feeling chagrin

Now that I am eating only healthy, organic, unprocessed (unless you count any food prep work I personally do), losing weight steadily, exercise daily, carefully manage my diabetes and grow increasingly committed to eating healthy foods for the rest of my life, I feel much chagrin. Why did I wait so long to love myself? 

One of my doctors asked me, this past week, what was going on with me when I got to my all time high weight and just stayed there for many years, I told her my truth. I was not aware that I was morbidly obese. I knew how much I weighed. I knew what size clothes I had to buy.  I still have two pairs of old sweatpants from my all time high weight. I keep them around because they have pockets to put quarters when I do the laundry, but also because I love wearing those super baggy pants, love being reminded of my weight loss.

I gave away all my high weight clothes long ago, like 8 years ago when I lost the first wave of my weight loss. I believed that hanging onto my old 'fat' clothes would send a message, perhaps unconsciously to my self indicating I knew I was going to regain the weight so I should keep those old fat clothes. As soon as I thought that, I got rid of the ASAP.

I also bought some clothing that was too small for me, incentive to lose.

And, somehow, I managed to hang onto a few pieces of clothing from long, long ago before I became morbidly obese.  I became morbidly obese in my early thirties.  I weighed 146 pounds after I gave birth to my daughter in June 1982. 146 for a 5'6" woman isn't skinny but I am also very full bosomed and I had just had a baby.