will flow willfulness

I am engaged in an act of willfulness, which is not quite the same thing as engaging my will. I am clinging, not entirely through my free will, to some pain and that pain is clinging to me.  I am stubbornly, doggedly, even unrelentingly, holding onto something I cannot change but I want something to change.

I am making myself ill, with heart attacks symptoms enduring for a few weeks now, in my willful inability (refusal?  I have prayed to let go and I cannot).

I am so sure that what I want is right. My certitude is killing me. And sometimes I am hoping it will.

Ack.

No flow.

Underneath my unhappy willfulness is the hardest certitude I have yet to know. I am so sure I am right, yet wholly unable to do anything. I can't have what I want. I can't let go.

I know why pain shoots up my left arm, why I become so fatigued I can barely stand up, why I sweat profusely.  I am very stubbornly holding onto my certitude, which, for all my dogged certainty, is a failure to trust that my good is unfolding exactly as it should. It may be killing me for real but I can't let go of what is working me.

I am unhappy. And sick.