I just faked being okay

I love my pure joy daughter unconditionally, all the time no matter what. Her birthday is a hard day for me, a day of grief and a reminder of having lost her. She's alive, she has shunned me since 2001.

I've been crying all day thursday, intermittently and I am crying me a river right now.

I don't want to be alive anymore. I don't want to live without my daughter.

A friend hugged me on Wednesday, a big wonderful hug and said "I am so sorry this suffering goes on for you."  I felt so loved in that moment.

I don't feel loved now. I am thinking about my huge, unused, stash of class a narcotics, thinking I have enough to check out.

I will never get over the loss of her. Never.