my runaway bunny

Most parents I have known have read Margaret Wise's beautiful children's book, The Runaway Bunny. Margaret Wise is also famous for her also wonderful book, Goodnight Moon. In Goodnight Moon, there is a picture on the wall of a scene from The Runaway Bunny.

The book, The Runaway Bunny, sprung into my thoughts over the last couple days.

When I read it to my infant, then toddler, then my big girl, I would hold her in my lap or cuddle with her in her bed, reading before kissing her good night. I always had her in my arms as I read the book.

The little bunny suggests running away. The mother bunny says 'if you run away, I will come after you."  When I read that line, every single time, and it is repeated rhythmically throughout the story, I would snuggle my baby a little closer, feel the bond we shared and I felt safe in the world. I felt proud that I could offer her the promise that I would never give up on her, that whatever she did, she would be my little bunny.

If you run away, I will come after you, for you are my little bunny.

My little bunny turned 33 on the 26th. I can't give her a hug, tell her I love her, tell her that no matter what, she is my dear daughter and my love follows her wherever she does, irregardless of what she does.

If I had a grandchild, The Runaway Bunny would be the first book I gave my grandchild.

Yesterday, in the early hours of the morning, I suddenly bought Rosie a new copy of The Runaway Bunny, paying full price and paying for shipping!! I only buy used books, the cheapest possible. Rosie did not like to use library books for she was aware many unknown persons would have touched the books. She was a bit obsessive compulsive, OCD, like her father. I don't think she ever recognized that buying her all the books she read was costly. I have always used libraries generously.

I bought her many great books. A few years after she disowned me, I gave the books to my sister's little boy.  My French brother-in-law, my sister reported, was thrhilled to see Maurice Sendak's 'In the Night Kitchen", a book that had been important to my brother-in-law as a child. Of course, Rosie's copy was in English but that book is all about the pictures.

I suppose my sister claimed The Runaway Bunny. I had only given her permission to take Rosie's books but she also took Rosie's American Girl doll and the custom-made doll chest that my mother had made for Rosie and Samantha.  I didn't like it that my sister took the stuff without asking but I was in California, the things were in my brother's house which he was losing and there was no where to store anything.

I wrote to Rosie to ask if she would like her handmade Waldorf books. In Waldorf Schools, the children make thier own textbooks. Rosie's were, by far, the best in her class. So good that her class teacher asked me for copies. Sometimes Waldorf teachers like to show a sudent's work as part of the teacher's professional portfolio. I splurged and gifted him color copies of all her Waldorf books. Color copies were newish and expensive but we loved Mr. Maier. He gave my Rosie so much. And he gave me a lot too. He is a very good man and we both needed to know some good men.  How I love Mr. Maier still. I wonder if she does?

Anyway. My little bunny has run away and I cannot run after her. And goddess knows I have tried.

So what do some people do? Do they jst get over grief such as I feel? Does such a loss ever become easier to bear. It's been fourteen years and it is, in some ways, harder than ever.

Lately, I have been haunted by a sense that she might have a child. If I were ever to learn I have a grandchild that I am not allowed to meet and love, I know I could not bear it, that I could not live much past such a blow.

She always said she never wanted to have children but falling in love with a good man can change such a conviction.

I wonder what kind of mother she would be.  Truth told, I have a hard time seeing her as a mother, but maybe my vision of her is blocked by the dark shadow in my heart.