my family St. Patrick's Day

St. Patrick's Day was a major holiday in my family, my very Irish family. All of my great grandparents had been born in Ireland, some of my grandparents. One family tale had my maternal grandpa being born 'on the boat over'.

Now I imagine grim, dirty hulls of large wooden ships filled with poor Irish. Some adults having sex. The women doing their best to prepare food. The children all huddled down there, not getting enough light. I can't imagine lots of books. I hope there was happy singing.

It's not like my Irish immigrant ancestors came over in first class.

We sometimes had other relatives over for, of course, corned beef on St. Patrick's Day.  We sometimes went to parties in church halls. We sometimes went to other relatives. We always ate corned beef. And mom always made corned beef at home, even if we ate out. It was as if we could not be Irish and not simmer corned beef all day on March 17th.

Once some well known and very Irish movie star came to my grandfather's chuch, the one my dad had grown up in so it likely felt to my dad like it was his church. Tickets were sold. Tickets were bought. It was a hugely big deal in our family to go to that dinner, to be in the same room with a famous Irish movie star. I was pretty young. My standout memory:  the corned beef served was not as good as my mom's and my mom was never much of a cook.

I tried to make St. Patrick's Day feel festive for my daughter but I did not raise her surrounded by Irish Americans. It would be just her and me and her Irish Girls Are the Best t-shirt.

when I was in grade school, my mom dyed my white blonde (in those days) hair green with food dye. I loved that.  I dyed my daughter's hair green at least once, at least, but I don't remember if she enjoyed that.

I miss my dad more today than usual. He was always very proud to be Irish, to be from Back of the Yards, to be a Chicago Irish person.

I miss every  crumb of happiness in my past.  I wish I knew how to be happy in my present.