my daughter and my heart failure

I had a glimpse of my daughter a couple years ago. I went to her office building, not intending to go in. A guy came along and let us in the security building. It was fifteen below zero out and he waived us in. When he asked who we were there to see, I tried to stall. We had decided, my bro and I, that we would not go in but when that nice man, who I thought was a janitor for he wore blue work clothes, waived us in, I just couldn't bring myself to tell him the thoughts that came to me. I had urges to tell him my daughter worked in the building, she hadn't talked to me in about fifteen years and I wanted to see where she worked so I could know where my daughter spent part of her life. So I said the name of her firm and then the guy came up with us, still being kind, making sure we got to the right business. Or maybe he was worried we were a security risk, I am not sure, but I think he was being kind.

So I went up to the door of her office suite. I did not open the door. I just looked aorund for the restroom the guy had said was right down that hall. Turned out it was inside the suite. I did not open the door until the receptionist called out to me and asked what I wanted. I said I was looking for the restroom -- keeping up my story for the guy I thought was a janitor. The janitor seemed satisfied and he left. And Dave and I began to leave. We were at the elevator ready to go down and exit when Katie came out of her office suite screaming. She kept screaming that I was crazy and trespassing. Not really. I was invited into the building by someone who worked in it. Not a trespass.

She was speaking to me as if I were scum, vermin, dogshit on her shoe.  I just couldn't run out like a kicked dog, run off like a dog by my daughter. I was waiting for her to stop screaming and being verbally abusive. I kept a calm tone and I did not try to engage her except to say "I am leaving when you stop talking to me this way."

I felt so humiliated. She began to threaten to call the cops, which scared Dave cause he has a record of criminal convictions.  Then I just had to see if my beloved daughter would actually call the police on me. What did she imagine, that the Chicago Police would send over a couple of squads with sirens blaring for a well mannered, alleged, trespass? She called. And boy did that hurt. And the dispatcher asked her some questions, like what was I doing? She said it was her mother and that her mother was severely mentally ill.

I see, in hindsight, that she could not quite bring herself to lie to the police. She did not lie and say I was behaving in a threatening manner or destroying property.  I wasn't doing anything but waiting for my daughter to stop talking to me like I was dogshit on her shoe. Is that so much to ask? That my daughter, whose life is built as much on my sacrifices for her as on her own hard work?

At least she didn't tell any lies but the one about me being severely mentally ill. At least she didn't flat out lie about some behavior that I was not doing in her thirst to sic the cops on me.  She always seems to forget I am trained and will always be able to think like a lawyer. I think she forgets what a detailed memory I have. I remember pretty much everything I learned in law school and from the years I did practice law. I worked with cops for a few years, yeah, daughter dearest. Cops don't fighten me. Well, of course I am white but I know a fair amount about what it takes to get the Chicago police to rush over squad cars. She would have had to tell some kind of whopper to get any cops rushed over to that building. At least she didn't make up another lie (for it is a lie to say I am severely mentally ill) to try to get the cops buying into her cruelty.

And did she ever take note that I remained calm through that encounter? did she note that if she had not come out of her office suite, she never would have even seen me. Dave and i were waiting for the elevator to exit and we would have. She could have seen us depart without HER creating a scene which she probably blamed on me.

I do not have a mental illness, although I do have a tormented heart and soul over the loss of my only child.  It's like I am in a twisted form of purgatory, futilely waiting for my daughter and unable to invest in my own life with the huge hole in my being.

Oh man, it hurt to hear her snarl to the cop dispatcher that I was 'severely mentally ill'. I wanted to point out that severely mentally ill is psychosis, hallucinations, uncontrolled violence.

I tend to imagine she has told everyone in her life that I am severely mentally ill to explain her evil choice to shun her mother.

I am so unhappy.  I have heart failure physically and emotionally.  I wish I would die.