if wishes were horses

It is a Ralph Waldo Emerson line:  if wishes were horses, then beggars would ride.  It is not a particular great quote, imho. It is etched into my being because my mom said it a bajillion times as I grew up.  My mom had a perfect touch that empowered her to say snide, hurtful things that were sneakily slipped in, things another adult who happened to overhear her might not realize was a dig.  She said the wishes horses thing when I was unhappy and wanted to be happy, not so subtly mocking me -- I felt her stinger -- just for being a normal human with feelings, longings.


I wish I would fall asleep and never awaken, be dead.

Weirdly, I had a 'funny' exchange with my property manager. I joked with her that I'd be leaving this building in a pine box and she winced just now and said "I never go into apartments when residents haven't been heard from, it would just gross me out to find a dead body." I said 'Geez, I was not imagining dying here, just that I'd be living here until I check out, like in a hospital or nursing home.


Not so funny in the way I told it. Oh well, I am so depressed that I am catatonic, just about.