one hand one heart

I have found my coheart. He wants nothing to do with me.

How do I get past that?  I don't want to hang onto my certitude that he is a portal to my Self.  I can't believe I am so stubbornly certain he is my man. It is like an infection, one with no cure.  So is this my work now, sitting in the fire of grievous loss?

I was not looking for him. I never expected to find someone who got me. And I absolutely never imagined a man might exist that I could love like I love this guy. Being with him made me even happier than being with my newborn, and that is a powerful admission.

My heart, he is a piece of my heart, yet will have nothing to do with me.

The possibility that I could live decades longer and not have him at my side is so hard for me.  I waver. I have immersed myself in activity and socializing and activity with humans does distract me but it does nothing to dissipate my suffering, it is always waiting for me. Other times, I surrender to my suffering, not attempting to do anything but ride the painful waves of loss.  Accepting this loss might be harder than losing my daughter, although each loss is so vast, so girevous.  I cannot escape my suffering. Sometimes, and this would be a good day full of pain but with flickers of light, I tell myself this is my life now, sitting with the pain of unbearable loss. Then I think how nice it would be if I would hurry up and die so this part of my journey will end. But I don't. The sun comes up on my sundial every day.  My pain is fresh.  My isolation deep.

One glance from him completes something in me that I never realize is incomplete until he was at my side completing me. What sap. He completes me. He does. And this is energy I am writing of.  If I am able to feel his energy nearby, I am complete. Who wouldn't want that to stay? and how to accept such a loss?  people get over such loss.  I know myself. I will never get over it.