no intention or desire

He wrote, last fall, and I quote, "I have no intention or desire to communicate with you."

That's clear.

Unequivocal.

Black and white.

Rigid.

A hard line.

I have to accept his decision to shun me, to not even be willing to maintain a cordial, civil acquaintance. 

So how's come I can't?   How's come my being is so stubborn?

Stubborn. That word reminded me of a time when I was in college, and so was my Irish Twin, my brother Joe who is eleven months younger than me. We went to different colleges. Joe was accepted to Yale but he went to Eastern Illinois University because it was close to free for him, with scholarships.  Yale wouldn't have cost more, I think. I guess he was not ready to fly so far from Chicago.  I don't know.

When we had been very young, Joe used to protect me from our older brother, Chuck the Fuck.  Chuck loved to beat on his younger siblings.  Although younger than both me and Chuck, Joe grew to be a lot taller and more solid than Chuck by the time Joe was three. He told Chuck, for our parents never tried to stop their first born penis from anything he wanted to do, that if he ever hit me again, Joe would beat him. A three year old!  Joe and I were close in the early years but once he got to grade school, he discovered Billy Barrett, on the next block. He spent all his time at Billy's when he wasn't in school.  Chuck didn't beat me again. We had more siblings, little helpless ones, for Chuck to focus on.

Anyway.  One time in college, Joe became very angry with me. At the time, I did not understand what I had done to anger him. I still don't. While he angrily yelled at me, he shouted "You are the most stubborn person I know!".

Me, stubborn?

I guess Joe saw something in me I was unable to see in myself.

I see my stubbornness in my failure to accept "I have no intention or desire to communicate."  I don't call this guy. Even though he agreed to have a state of grace dialogue within a year after he rejected me, he refused to have it. The quote was his response to my last request that he speak to me for a state of grace conversation.  So on some level, I have accepted he's gone from my life. I can't make him be my friend.

And I don't want anyone in my life if I have to beg, plead, cajole or 'make' them spend time with me, even if I could make someone do something they don't want to do. But I can't make others do anything.

And I can't be kinder to myself and stop wishing, hoping, praying and dreaming.  I've never