guardian angels

Rudolf Steiner, the founder of Anthroposophy (Waldorf Schools, biodynamic farming, threefold social order, threefold economics and much more -- Camphill! and still more) indicated that each human has a guardian angel. Our guardian angels need us as much as we need them, our destinies entwined.  We cannot achieve our karmic destiny unless our angels achieve theirs. Our angels cannot achieve their destiny unless we achieve ours. We need to develop our capacity to know supersensible realms for our personal selves, for our angels and for the world, for the world also needs us to achieve our destiny in order for the world to unfold as it should.

There's my too-short summary of guardian angels.

During times of inner turmoil, I often end my morning meditation by reminding my guardian angel that I tend to miss subtle clues. I remind her to send me clear, unequivocal messages, blunt, obvious.  I remind her that I miss non-obvious nudges.

Recently, I went to 89 Ramona to attend a gathering of lawyers. I'm considering taking the bar. I don't want to practice law but, as a lawyer friend pointed out, having a law license gives me gravitas. I took BART to 16th and Mission and then walked to the address of a gathering.

My guardian angel as on duty. As I got closer to 89 Ramona, I experienced intense physical pain in my lower left blank. The pain seemed to move up and down, up in my back, down in my hip. Each step was truly excrutiating. I have experienced little excrutiating pain.  I cried with each step, I hurt that much. I had forgotten my cell so I couldn't phone a friend or a taxi.  I had a low moment when I believed I could not walk.

I thought "help is on the other side of the doorbell, ring the bell". I put my finger in front of the doorbell but then, in addition to the great physical pain I was experiencing, my inner voice (my guardian angel?) began screaming "Don't go in there."  My inner voice, or guardian angel, has never been strident before, never screamed. It was such an odd sensation. The screaming of that inner voice hurt nearly as much as my left blank, hip, whatever was hurting.

The message was clear:  don't go to this party.

I learned later that a former friend, someone with whom I have been unable to achieve a state of grace, someone who cut me off in an email like I was subhuman and has refused to have one state of grace conversation with me after agreeing, in writing so I didn't imagine it or make wrong assumptions as he used to like to lecture me. He agreed in writing to have a state of grace agreement.  I am no longer sure what hurts me in relation to this man. Losing him hurts me still but his refusal to have a state of grace conversation has shocked me. In the 8 years I knew him, I never, ever would have imagined he would refuse a state of grace conversation. I know his refusal is not about me. I know his behavioral choices are about him.  I know the sharp emotional pain I feel when I remember he has refused to have a state of grace conversation with me.  As I cope with the painful sense of loss I feel, and I refer to the refusal to have a state of grace conversation, not the loss of interaction with someone who was emotionally abusive towards me, I see that I never knew him but not for lack of trying. He hid from me. He was dishonest and secretive.  I am a chump for dishonesty and secrecy because I am not dishonest or secretive.  I trust easily, disclose who I am without filter and I know revealing myself to others is a gift. Of course, being imperfectly human, I am not 100% purely honest.

Gosh, I am not writing anything related to what got me going on guardian angels altho my guardian angels saved me from seeing this former friend, for he was at that party at 89 Ramona.

I wanted to write about a new guardian angel, a human being angel, that has come into my life. A caring friend, a loving friend. Someone who wants to be my friend and, and I so needed this, support me as I deal with my health challenges.  This angel deserves a post free of pain so I will write another one at another time.

People really do appear in our lives as needed.