the Luciferic vortex: heaven & hell

The other day, I started to write about my experience in a Luciferic vortex. I got sidetracked, pulled off course.

I am reminded of a story someone I know wrote on their blog a while back. They wrote about having an intention, back when they were in college, of studying for a test. Then this person became aware that this person was washing the windows in the apartment and this person had not been conscious of when this person stopped studying and started washing windows. Dissociative behavior. Unconsciousness. All humans are unconscious sometimes. Being sometimes unconscious is tricky.  Like the Trickster in some Native American legends, the unconscious mind pulls humans places the human does not consciously choose to go. But is the unconscious mind motivated in positivity?  or negativity?

Well, if you need to study for a test and your trickster self lulls you into washing windows instead, maybe your unconscious mind was being Luciferic, lulling you into acting against your own best interests.

But sometimes, tricksters being tricky, the unconscious mind is protecting you. Perhaps my unconscious mind stopped me from writing about my Luciferic vortex to protect me from something.

I have to admit that it is very hard for me to approach my thoughts about this Luciferic vortex.  It's not just my trickster mind, my unconscious self, who feels a need to insulate myself from danger.  I am very conscious that the relationship I want to write about is dangerous. Dangerous for me.

When I first knew the Luciferic vortex -- howabout I refer to the person in question as Lou so I don't have to keep writing "the Luciferic vortex". For the purpose of this blog post, "Lou" stands for 'The Luciferic Vortex" and when I refer to "Lou" I am referring to a toxic relationship in my life that has damaged me. Having Lou in my life has been like Superman living with a crate of kryptonite stored in his sub-basement, only Superman doesn't know the kryptonite is down there. And maybe the kryptonite is in a sealed container, maybe lined in lead? Is there any material that might protect superman from kryptonite?  I don't know my Superman mythology so I don't know how, or if, Superman can protect himself from kryptonite.  I just remember how kryptonite weakened him and he had to get away from it. But was there some way to block the negative power of Kryptonite?

I have been a moron with my Lou, my nickname for Lucifer and for my Luciferic vortex person.  I say this because when I met Lou in 2006, my inner voice told me, bluntly, "This is a Luciferic vortex. End this friendship. Take care of yourself."  My inner voice could not have been more clear or specific.

What did I do?  I laughed. I thought it was being very hip, erudite. Hell, I thought the phrase 'luciferic vortex' was fucking genius. It is a cleverly phrase to describe an attractive nuisance, to capture how humans can be enticed into self-destructive behavior by deluding themselves that they are not being drawn into negative patterns of behavior.

Does this sound like gobbledegook?  I bet it does. Am I writing anything coherent?

I had borderline personality disorder, but I am now recovered.  Still,  I feel like I don't have a right to say this:  I think Lou also has borderline personality disorder. And I think Lou is fucking brilliant.  Lou offloads his smelly shit onto me, blames me for smelling of shit, and I not only allowdc Lou behavioral choices towards me to lead me into pain and suffering.  Goddess help me, I welcomed some of it because there is a part of me that believes I don't deserve to be treated well.

I have been thinking about my dad in the past few weeks. I recently had some post traumatic stress triggered.  I definitely have post traumatic stress disorder.  I have had some sucky things happen to me, like everyone, but I have had a couple things happen that really traumatized me. Big deep wounds that I cannot seem to heal. Cancer would be a good metaphor for my PTSD.  Imagine surgeons going in and trying to remove all the cancerous cells. I have had much therapy to heal from the traumas that left me with PTSD, digging out all the cancerous cells. But then, years later, the PTSD can come back, the way cancer sometimes does.  My PTSD goes into remission and then something happens, Lou comes along and shits all over me, and my PTSD gets triggered.

I am either getting better or getting worse.  Of course, I hope I am getting better but this is Lou we are talking about. When I am dealing with Lou, it's all trickster energy. Lou as in my own private Luciferic vortex.

What's that old joke about turtles all the way down?  Or old saying.

Some days I fear it is only hell all the way down for me. Some days I believe I am kind, loving and good and deserved to be shown kindness, love and goodness.

Today is a half and half day. Heaven and hell together.