may all beings be happy, including me

I am grateful to feel happy.  I had something that I was holding that left me feeling bad every time I thought of it.  I thought of this 'something' a lot, usually as one of my first thoughts upon awakening. Then, throughout each day for the past year, if the situation came into my thoughts, which it did steadily, I would feel bad.

I didn't blame anyone for my pain.  I just couldn't let go of the pain, as if I was keeping something by holding onto it. And I guess I was. I was keeping pain that I could simply release, let go.

I never read that book, by Eliabeth Kubler-Ross,   about the stages of grief. I just heard about it, it was a bestseller I think. The stages, as summarized by Wikipedia are:

• Denial
• Anger
• Bargaining
• Depression
• Acceptance

Kubler-Ross initially applied her model for grief for persons diagnosed with terminal illness but expanded it to other losses, such as the loss of a friend. Here is how Wikipedia applies Kubler-Ross's model in an overview of the stages of grief over the loss of a relationship:

Grieving a break-up of a friendship

Denial

The person left behind is unable to admit that the friendship is really over. They may continue to call the former friend even though that person wants to be left alone. Instead they may deny their feelings and not admit that they are upset about it at all.  NOTE:   I never denied I was upset and I did continue to phone this former friend intermittently.

Anger

The partner left behind may feel angry for the pain the leaving partner causes them. The partner left also might blame himself/herself.  NOTE: I felt anger towards the former friend and anger towards myself. I blamed myself, took all responsibility for the failure of our friendship to thrive. I was really unkind to myself.

Bargaining

After, the anger stage, the one left behind may plead with their former partner by promising that whatever caused the breakup will never happen again. Example: “I can change. Please give me a chance."  NOTE:  I have never believed the friendship could be restored but this former friend once agreed to have a state of grace conversation with me. It's been a year since he broke off our friendship. He ignores my many requests for one state of grace conversation.  I thought if I were cheerful, upbeat and persistent, he would keep his word and have one peacemaking conversation. Accepting that he would not do something he agreed to do was as hard as accepting the loss of his friendship. Maybe even harder.

Depression

Next, the person might feel discouraged that his or her bargaining plea did not convince the former partner to stay. This may send the person into depression causing disruption to life functions such as sleeping, eating and even daily bowel movements.  NOTE: only the loss of my daughter has prodded deeper depression in me. I had truly believed this friend loved me. He had said so many times, once writing that he felt unshakeable love for me.  It was so hard to accept that he would not have a state of grace conversation. I think it was harder to accept this refusal than to accept his decision to sever the friendship. I was unhappy in the friendship, too.

Acceptance

Moving on from the situation and the person is the last stage. The person left behind accepts that the friendship is over and begins to move forward with his or her life. She or he may not be completely over the situation but is weary of going back and forth, so much so that they can accept the separation as reality.

Praise goddess, I have accepted it's over and, and this has been very hard, I have accepted that he will not have a state of grace conversation. His refusal to do so is actually a kind of gift. His refusal shows me he does not love or care about me. Why keep investing my emotional energy in longing for someone who won't even give me a state of grace conversation?

Now, when he comes to mind, he quickly leaves my thoughts.

As I accept the loss of his friendship is irreversible, I feel lighter, happier and joyful.  The pain I felt over the loss is remains. I believe I will always feel a little hole, an emptiness, where I will always believe our friendship could have found a home in both our beings. Every aspect of my highly empathic and intuitive being still is sure this man is an important karmic relationship. Accepting this loss is irrevocable is probably the hardest thing I have ever had to do. And I haven't fully accepted it. A teeny, tiny flame of hope that he will shift his rigid rejection of me flares up. But it flares up less and less. Progress?

I cut all ties to my ex-husband. He was so abusive to me that our marriage counselor, a PhD psychologist, testified that my ex was the cruelest person that doctor had seen in 20+ years of marriage counseling.  I cut all ties to my wasband because I knew there was no shared grace between us.

This friend that dumped me is a graceful, loving, delightful man.  It has been very hard to accept that he does not consider me valuable enough to work through the challenges that came up.  But I don't know his reality. I don't know what he is deainng with. We are all dealing with hard challenges.

I have finall found a state of grace regarding this former friend. A one-sided state of grace.

I found peace. I am happy, joyful and sad as I finally, after a year of struggling to accept this loss, to have accepted it. Goddess, it hurt like hell to lose him. It still does.  He's gone, like a sunny day goes away when the sun sets. Gone for good. The sun still shines on me, praise goddess. For awhile there, I didn't think it could without the light of his loving friendship.

Praise Goddess. May all beings, including this former friend who has rejected me, be happy. Including me.