my rock is still rollling

"There is no sun without shadow and it is essential to know the night." Albert Camus on Sisyphus.

"The struggle itself towards the heights is enough to fill a man's heart." Albert Camus on Sisyphus.

"The rock is still rolling." Albert Camus on Sisyphus.

My rock is still rolling, I thought as I lay in bed this morning.

no separation when we love w/heart & soul

Goodbyes are only for those who love with their eyes, because for those who love with heart and soul, there is no separation.
~ Rumi

Rilke: love your solitude

“Therefore, dear Sir, love your solitude and try to sing out with the pain it causes you. For those who are near you are far away... and this shows that the space around you is beginning to grow vast.... be happy about your growth, in which of course you can't take anyone with you, and be gentle with those who stay behind; be confident and calm in front of them and don't torment them with your doubts and don't frighten them with your faith or joy, which they wouldn't be able to comprehend. Seek out some simple and true feeling of what you have in common with them, which doesn't necessarily have to alter when you yourself change again and again; when you see them, love life in a form that is not your own and be indulgent toward those who are growing old, who are afraid of the aloneness that you trust.... and don't expect any understanding; but believe in a love that is being stored up for you like an inheritance, and have faith that in this love there is a strength and a blessing so large that you can travel as far as you wish without having to step outside it.”
― Rainer Maria Rilke

W.B. Yeats on magic

The world is full of magic things, patiently waiting for our sense to grow sharper.

-- W.B. Yeats

love is better

“You can never know anyone as completely as you want. But that’s okay, love is better.”
-- Caroline Paul, in Lost Cat

hold the gate open

It seems counter-intuitive to romantics and those who feel ready to partner when someone walks away from a beautiful love connection. But some people can only handle a half love because whole love shines a light on their dark places. Real intimacy requires real presence, and if someone isn't ready to be truly here on an individual level, they will find it very difficult to manage all the triggers that come up when real love comes. Only a small few can hold the gate open when profound love enters. A blessed and courageous few.

-- Jeff Brown

the field is self-transcendant

what you hold in your heart you see in the world

"A man sees in the world what he carries in his heart."

-- Wolfgang Johann von Goethe

people w/greatest potential move slowly

abstinence

My friend Stephen co-directed the documentary about James Broughton, Big Joy. Broughton was a brilliant filmmaker and poet who influenced contemporary art and culture far more than he was given credit for in his lifetime. I believe he was overlooked a bit because he was gay. Watch the film and you see he had great influence with many artists, of many mediums. And the film is great . . and, last time I checked, streaming on Netflix.

true nature of others

"When our awareness opens to cosmic perceptions, we can more clearly see ourselves in ideal relationships to our world and others.
Small-minded, self-centered, grasping or possessive attitudes and behaviors are unworthy of us as spiritual beings; they are nurtured by egoism, insecurity, self-righteousness, and inclinations to demonstrate personal power and control over others and circumstances.
Life is whole; there is a right place in the universe for us, and for everyone and everything that contributes to the overall good.
Compassionate behavior is spontaneous when we clearly acknowledge that the true nature of others is identical to our own; that we share a common foundation-source in God and a common destined awakening in God." 
~ Paramhamsa Yogivah Giri 

you always have choice

 I have been softened and made kinder by my suffering. Blessed be human me.

my daughter used to call me a feminazi

My daughter used to call me a feminazi. Usually when she called me a feminazi she followed up by telling me that feminism was over, women had equality and my, as she put it, obsession with feminism was passé.  Sometimes I would spout some feminist response, decrying her suggestion that women had equal rights and feminism was over. Sometimes I just sucked up her negative characterization.  It did not really charge me that she called me a feminazi. I actually liked it, liked being seen as a feminist.

Once, on the penultimate day of a ten-day Vipassana retreat, when they let everyone talk, I was talking to a bunch of twenty-something women and mentioned my daughter used to call me a feminazi. One shrewd young woman looked at me closely, took a long, pregnant pause and said "I think you are proud that she called you a feminazi." She was right. I was. So I admitted as much to the young women.

My daughter is very different from me. She is gorgeous, very attractive to men (and women, for she had her female flings). She's very thin, curvaceous, stylish and very beautiful.  I am not ugly but I don't have her flair, her thinness or any concern about style. I am, as a guy once put it, in a compliment for him (and it struck me as a compliment), a plain chick. This guy wrote that he always preferred plain chicks, women who did not wear make up or obsess with clothing. Be still my heart!

Hell yeah I liked being called a feminazi by my kid, even when she meant it as a slam.

I wonder how she views feminism and women's equality with men after ten years or so in the business world. I wonder if she received equal pay. I wonder if she is respected first and foremost for what she knows and does. I am sure she is valued for being beautiful and I imagine she likes that but I wonder if she has a bit more insight into the fact that prioritizing women's appearance for their value undermines women.  I have no idea what she thinks, what her experience has been since 2001, the last time she talked to me.

I hope she is happy. I hope she is a feminazi but, somehow, I doubt it.

visiting flyover country

I apologize for referring to the Great Plains of the Midwest as 'flyover country'.  Lots of folks on the West Coast, and probably the East Coast, who don't know where all the states are reveal their ignorance by referring to 'flyover' country.

I was born in South Dakota but my parents lived in Chicago when I was born and my mom, 1.5 year old brother and I landed back in Chicago when I was two months old. I guess it counts as going back to Chicago for baby me because I had lived there inside my mom, right?

I went to college in Wisconsin.  I went to law school in Minnesota. I have also lived in Nebraska and Michigan, visited virtually all states except Hawaii and Alaska.  I can even identify all the southern states. Do you know where Arkansas is?

I haven't been in the Midwest for some time.  I am visiting Minneapolis.

Then I am darting down to Chicago.  I hope to see all three of my Chicagoland brothers but I will definitely see my baby brother Dave. He is taking days off from work to hang with me.  Dave was my first baby.  I heavily contributed to his care from the day he came home from the hospital.   When I wasn't in school, I was taking care of Dave.  I haven't seen him for too long.  Plus he hopes to arrange a visit with our other two Chicago-based brothers.  It would be lovely to see my brothers, even lovelier to see my nieces and nephews and grandnieces and grandnephews. I have lost track, a bit, about grandnieces and grandnephews.  And all my nieces are not in Chicagoland these days.

I am enjoying the anticipation of all the great art museums in Minneapolis and Chicago. I am also enjoying the anticipation of spending some time with my friend Lana's granddaughters. 

used be a bigger dope

I used to be a much bigger dope than I am now. I don't think I am a dope at all.

In 2001, when my daughter disowned me, I wanted to move back to Minnesota, where I had gone to law school, raised Rosie and lived the longest of anywhere.  I grew up in Chicago but have not lived there since I left home for college at age 18. Minnesota feels like home to me.

I moved to the Pacific Northwest instead because my daughter had told me I could never move back to Minneapolis because she might return there to live after college. And I, mickey the mope, let her demand control my life choices. First, I pleaded. I pointed out that living in a metropolitan area with millions of residents left plenty of room for Rosie and I to live in the same place and never have contact.  I pointed out that once she finished college, and she was a sophomore in college at Cornell at the time, she could end of living anywhere and I should not be limited in my own life choices because she might want to return to Minneapolis.

She did not return to Minneapolis to live. She spent a few years in NYC, then moved to Chicago, which is where I grew up.

Having written the above, I acknowledge I always felt a draw to the West Coast. I applied, and was accepted, to a couple law schools on the West Coast. That time, I let my dad's bullying keep me in the Midwest. There were something like 12 law schools in Chicago. I did not apply to any law schools in Illinois. I wanted to get away from my toxic family.

I guess my daughter considers me toxic and that's why she has so assiduously avoided me since 2001. WTF did I do?

And WTF did I let her bully me into not moving back to Minnesota, where I had the deepest social network.

Shoulda woulda coulda.

I like living in Berkeley. I like not having frigid winters.  But I lack a sense of family and of groundedness. I notice flickering thoughts, rare ones, of returning to the Midwest.  I don't really want to move back to the Midwest but I want a chosen family of friends. I don't have that anywhere.

Rosie was wrong to insist I could never live in Minneapolis in case she ever opted to return. I was wrong to capitulate to her demand. And, yet, I am glad I spent time in the Pacific Northwest and I like living in the SF Bay Area. I like Berkeley.

I have yearnings to live in the countryside, in a small community, in a small house but those are inchoate longings with no grounding. I think such longings reflect my low grade discontent, not a true desire to move.

pants falling down

When my daughter was in the second grade, her teacher had all the students in her class write daily essays. The minimum was two sentences and Rosie mostly wrote the minimum. The teacher would give a theme or a question each day and the children had to write.

When the theme was "write about your most embarassing moment", Rosie wrote "My most embarassing moment was the time my pants fell down in a food store."

Her pants did, indeed, fall down in a food store when she was four or five. I was amazed that she had been so embarrassed that she wrote about it at age seven. At the time, I was unaware she had been embarrassed, primarily because we were in a wing off the regular grocery aisles, a kind of bend. Her pants fell down in the back of the bend, no one was within our sight so no one saw her. And she pulled her pants up so fast I barely saw them down.  It had enough energy for her that it became her most embarrassing moment a few years later.  Maybe she could not think of anything embarrassing.  Maybe she really was embarrassed when her pants fell down with no one around but me.

My pants once fell down in public. In 2006, shortly after I moved to California. I lost a lot of weight that year. I had just bought a new pair of smaller jeans two days before they fell down because they were too loose. I was standing in line at SFMOMA to show my membership card and get a ticket to enter. And, poof, my pants slide down off my hips. Of course I caught them before they fell further. It was not embarrassing. It was thrilling. Having new pants fall down after only owning them two days because they had gotten loose since I bought the was a lot of fun.

A few days ago, walking home from the swimming pool, a dazed-appearing, homeless-appearing man was swaying on the corner immediately in front of my building. I concluded 'homeless' because he was carrying a sleeping bag. He appeared completely out of it and was staggering in a small space, as if he was unsure where to go. I faced him as I crossed the street to return to my building so I saw him as I walked across Oxford Street. Half way across, he dropped his pants. He was naked under his navy blue work pants. I don't think he was flashing. I think he needed a belt.

I went into my building and asked my property manager if she thought I should report the guy. Not to get him in trouble, but, perhaps, get him some help.  He sure seemed to need it. She and I peeked out to see if he was still there before we called and he was gone.

pants falling down.

no failure in golden tunnel

The golden tunnel is my word for those times when I am happy and everything upon which my eyes glance is embued with radiant light.  I love the golden tunnel.

I am casting about for a name for my current experience of happiness. Perhaps I only need to reframe my golden tunnel.  As I grow more calmly equanimous, more mindful, my happiness is calmer, more secure.  I believe having grown deeply mindful about eating might be my most powerful mindfulness practice. It took me several years to truly ground the habit of only eating healthy, nutritious foods.

I wonder why so many humans, at least humans living with easy access to food such as we have here in the good old USA, eat crap. Oh, wait a minute. I know why. We Americans eat crap because we mindlessly let the corporate world tell us to eat crap.

Mindful eating begins at the market, be it a farmers market or a grocery store.  If you don't buy processed food, you can't eat it at home.

I guess what I am getting at is that I am happy.  There are many things I would like to change in my life.  I am not into mindless positivity so I can't allow myself to think that I can change all the things I wish were different in my life. I have learned that I can be happy even when there are things, many things, that I am unhappy about. Am I making any sense?

Dwelling in possibility makes me happy, but so does accepting failure. Failure can shimmer. Who knew?

forgive often

can two empaths become close?

I used to know someone who was regularly upset with me because he felt my pain. He wrote, via email, that I was supposed to keep my pain on my side of the 'net' and never sully the table of friendship with it.  Sometimes, I acknowledge, I offloaded pain when emotionally hurt and not being mindful of both the fact that I was triggered and then acting out by offloading my pain.  I don't know anyone who has not done this, including the man I refer to who demanded, yes demanded, that I take responsibility for his experience when I was in pain. I was in pain over my stuff. I've never had a friend, and I don't want such a friend,  who thinks I am 'going over the net' for revealing honestly what was going on with me.  I don't want to hide who I am, giving up who I am as the price of knowing someone else is a price I don't think anyone should ever pay.

I think this person and I are both high empaths, which means we tend to feel a lot of the energy of others.

Gosh, I was in my forties before I realized I am an empath, before I realized that quite a lot of what I felt was other people's stuff. I was much less able to remain grounded in equanimity when I was unaware that I felt other people's energy as keenly as I do.  I've become more mindful over the years, more away of where my energy ends and the energy of others begins but it is ongoing work. Mindfulness work, I guess, although I am a little uneasy with the sudden hipness of mindfulness. I was meditating for thirty years but now it's all about mindfulness. Whazzaup with that?

I think two empaths who feel attracted to know one another closely would have to do a lot of work together, work which can only be done by spending lots of tie together, sensing into one another to know where one person begins and the other person ends. Almost a high wire act but work worth the effort.  The rewards, in the relationship I have alluded to, would have been awesome. Both he and I are, as he once put it, such very special people.

Special people need special people. I need someone like him, as sensitive and brilliant as he is, but someone who loves me back unconditionally. I deserve it and I will call such a man in.

heal ANY relationship

There are days when I wish I could erase all the horrors that I have witnessed from my mind. It seems that there is no end to the creative ways we humans can find to hurt each other, and no end to the reasons we feel justified in doing so. There is also no end to the human capacity for healing. In each of us there is an innate ability to create joy out of suffering, to find hope in the most hopeless of situations, and to heal any relationship that is in need of healing.
--From The Book of Forgiving by Desmond and Mpho Tutu

on trust

"The best way to find out if you can trust somebody is to trust them."

- Ernest Hemingway

 This quote is truth. I trust easily and I am only rarely repaid with distrust. When someone says to me "I don't trust you" they are telling me they are not trustworthy.

So I Said I am Ezra by A.R.Ammons

A.R. Ammons “So I Said I am Ezra” 

So I Said I Am Ezra
and the wind whipped my throat
gaming for the sounds of my voice
   I listened to the wind
go over my head and up into the night
Turning to the sea I said
             I am Ezra
but there were no echoes from the waves
The words were swallowed up
   in the voice of the surf
or leaping over the swells
lost themselves oceanward
   Over the bleached and broken fields
I moved my feet and turning from the wind
   that ripped sheets of sand
   from the beach and threw them
   like seamists across the dunes
Swayed as if the wind were taking me away
and said
            I am Ezra
As a word too much repeated
falls out of being
so I Ezra went out into the night
like a drift of sand
and splashed among the windy oats
that clutch the dunes
of unremembered seas

Light Will someday split you Open

✣ ... Light Will someday split you Open
Even if your life is now a cage.
… Little by little, You will turn into Stars.
Little by little, You will turn into
The whole Sweet, Amorous Universe.
Love will surely burst you Wide Open
Into an unfettered, booming New Galaxy...
✣ Rumi

Go above your nerve

If your Nerve, deny you

292

If your Nerve, deny you—
Go above your Nerve—
He can lean against the Grave,
If he fear to swerve—

That’s a steady posture—
Never any bend
Held of those Brass arms—
Best Giant made—

If your Soul seesaw—
Lift the Flesh door—
The Poltroon wants Oxygen—
Nothing more—

Emily Dickinson

Love the word poltroon. As a noun it means a complete coward. As an adjective it means contemptible.  The poltroon, the coward within one's self, merely wants oxygen when one's nerve, or courage, denies one's need to find the fierceness to be soft.

the fierceness to get softer

Do I have the fierceness to get softer
The truth-telling to become more vulnerable
The kindness to support my deepest knowing
Can my inner owl wisdom
give me eyes to see love
and wings to fly with compassion

by Linda Bergh, a friend

a life-affirming economy

Rudolf Steiner indicated, near the turn of the 20th Century, that everything in the cosmos is a kind of hologram of everything else. And everything is threefold. One need only look to the human being's threefold nature to see a microcosm of everything.

Human cultural life is threefold:  social, artistic and economic. In a health, threefold social order, the economic realm exists solely to serve the social (schools, roads, power, etc) and artistic (creativity, self expression, spirit, art, laughter and more) realms. In a healthy Threefold Social Order the economic realm exists in perfect equipoise the the other realms of culture.

Fernanda has a little different take on generating a life-affirming economic realm but she has great insight into economics. And there is no one right way.

This TedX talk is worth a look and listen.

true freedom:

I envision police forces that are only capable of actions motivated by love. I envision a whole world in which people are solely capable of actions motivated by love.

I am free

In 2006, I entered into a connection with someone, not a friend. Almost immediately I wrote to him that I felt as if I were being drawn into a Luciferic vortex. I even had the audacity to briefly describe my beliefs about Luciferic energy. Lucifer and Ahriman are two dark, 'fallen' angels that together comprise what most people think of as the Devil. Lucifer entices people into wrong choices with light-appearing things. Ahriman entices and enchants with darkness.

An example of Ahrimanic darkness:  war, physical violence on any level, hurting others physically and emotionally. For some people, there is a draw to dark behavior. It's a slippery slope.

Lucifer entices with light. The play Damn Yankees is a perfect capture of Luciferic energy. Lucifer wins the soul of a young ball player by promising the young guy will get to play in a World Series. Get it? The World Series is ensorcelling the young fool with something that appears good.

My higher, wise self knew the relationship I have referred to was Luciferic. Instead of fleeing, I was not only enchanted with this charming, Luciferically delightful man, I was enchanted by my cleverness, by my use of the phrase 'Luciferic vortex'.

Even though a part of me knew what I was feeling was Luciferic, I happily danced into that Luciferic energy.  Like a lemming lead to the sea or the children of Hamelin following the Pied Piper into oblivion.

I was ensorcelled.  I did it to myself. I knew I was in dangerus energy but I let myself slide towards it anyway.

Like most foolish choices, I have paid for my error in judgment.

I am free of the delusive, Luciferic charm of this person.  Praise Goddess.  It's been a hard slog.

I am free.   I am free. I am free.

weirdmasté

if bitterness arises, give it a gum drop

If bitterness wants to get in the act, I offer it a cookie or a gumdrop.

James Broughton, subject of multiple prize-winning documentary about this gay poet and filmmaker, Big Joy.

Big Joy is streaming on Netflix -- I think. Check out bigjoy.org. Someone you know would love a tshirt that says, as does one I am proaud to own, "When in doubt, twirl." Sage thought, eh?

Ah! honey in the heart

The Well Dressed Man by Wallace Stevens

After the final no there comes a yes
And on that yes the future world depends.
No was the night. Yes is this present sun.
If the rejected things, the things denied,
Slid over the western cataract, yet one,
One only, one thing that was firm, even
No greater than a cricket's horn, no more
Than a thought to be rehearsed all day, a speech
Of the self that must sustain itself on speech,
One thing remaining, infallible, would be
Enough. Ah! douce campagna of that thing!
Ah! douce campagna, honey in the heart,
Green in the body, out of a petty phrase,
Out of a thing believed, a thing affirmed:
The form on the pillow humming while one sleeps,
The aureole above the humming house...
It can never be satisfied, the mind, never.

respect: to actually listen

love isn't a perfect state of caring

The Blue by Billy Collins

The Blue by Billy Collins, a former Poet Laureate of US and one of my current favorite poets:

The Blue

You can have Egypt and Nantucket.

The only place I want to visit is The Blue,

not the Wild Blue Yonder that seduces pilots,

but that zone where the unexpected dwells,
waiting to come out of it in the shape of bolts.

I want to walk its azure perimeter

where the unanticipated is coiled, on the mark,
ready to spring into the predictable homes of earth.

I want to stroll through the pale indigo light

examening all the accidents about to rocket into time,

all the forgotten names about to fly from tongues.

I will scrutinize all the surprises of the future
and watch the brainstorms gathering darkly,

ready to hit the heads of inventors

laboring in their crackpot shacks.

A jaded traveler with an invisible passport,

I am at home in this heaven of the unforeseen

waiting for the next whoosh of sudden departure

when, with no advance warning, no tiny augury,

the unpredictable plummets into our lives
from somewhere that looks like sky.

borrow the beloved's eyes

Borrow the beloved's eyes.Look through them and you will see the beloved's face everywhere.
~ Rumi

You're so beautiful it is starting to rain

Gee, You're So Beautiful That It's Starting To Rain by Richard Brautigan

Oh, Marcia,
I want your long blonde beauty
to be taught in high school,
so kids will learn that God
lives like music in the skin
and sounds like a sunshine harpsicord.
I want high school report cards
to look like this:

Playing with Gentle Glass Things
A

Computer Magic
A

Writing Letters to Those You Love
A

Finding out about Fish
A

Marcia's Long Blonde Beauty
A+!

We aint got money, honey, but we got rain: Charles Bukowski

We Ain't Got No Money, Honey, But We Got Rain by Charles Bukowski

call it the greenhouse effect or whatever
but it just doesn't rain like it used to.
I particularly remember the rains of the
depression era.
there wasn't any money but there was
plenty of rain.
it wouldn't rain for just a night or
a day,
it would RAIN for 7 days and 7
nights
and in Los Angeles the storm drains
weren't built to carry off taht much
water
and the rain came down THICK and
MEAN and
STEADY
and you HEARD it banging against
the roofs and into the ground
waterfalls of it came down
from roofs
and there was HAIL
big ROCKS OF ICE
bombing
exploding smashing into things
and the rain
just wouldn't
STOP
and all the roofs leaked-
dishpans,
cooking pots
were placed all about;
they dripped loudly
and had to be emptied
again and
again.
the rain came up over the street curbings,
across the lawns, climbed up the steps and
entered the houses.
there were mops and bathroom towels,
and the rain often came up through the
toilets:bubbling, brown, crazy,whirling,
and all the old cars stood in the streets,
cars that had problems starting on a
sunny day,
and the jobless men stood
looking out the windows
at the old machines dying
like living things out there.
the jobless men,
failures in a failing time
were imprisoned in their houses with their
wives and children
and their
pets.
the pets refused to go out
and left their waste in
strange places.
the jobless men went mad
confined with
their once beautiful wives.
there were terrible arguments
as notices of foreclosure
fell into the mailbox.
rain and hail, cans of beans,
bread without butter;fried
eggs, boiled eggs, poached
eggs; peanut butter
sandwiches, and an invisible
chicken in every pot.
my father, never a good man
at best, beat my mother
when it rained
as I threw myself
between them,
the legs, the knees, the
screams
until they
seperated.
"I'll kill you," I screamed
at him. "You hit her again
and I'll kill you!"
"Get that son-of-a-bitching
kid out of here!"
"no, Henry, you stay with
your mother!"
all the households were under
seige but I believe that ours
held more terror than the
average.
and at night
as we attempted to sleep
the rains still came down
and it was in bed
in the dark
watching the moon against
the scarred window
so bravely
holding out
most of the rain,
I thought of Noah and the
Ark
and I thought, it has come
again.
we all thought
that.
and then, at once, it would
stop.
and it always seemed to
stop
around 5 or 6 a.m.,
peaceful then,
but not an exact silence
because things continued to
drip
drip
drip


and there was no smog then
and by 8 a.m.
there was a
blazing yellow sunlight,
Van Gogh yellow-
crazy, blinding!
and then
the roof drains
relieved of the rush of
water
began to expand in the warmth:
PANG!PANG!PANG!
and everybody got up and looked outside
and there were all the lawns
still soaked
greener than green will ever
be
and there were birds
on the lawn
CHIRPING like mad,
they hadn't eaten decently
for 7 days and 7 nights
and they were weary of
berries
and
they waited as the worms
rose to the top,
half drowned worms.
the birds plucked them
up
and gobbled them
down;there were
blackbirds and sparrows.
the blackbirds tried to
drive the sparrows off
but the sparrows,
maddened with hunger,
smaller and quicker,
got their
due.
the men stood on their porches
smoking cigarettes,
now knowing
they'd have to go out
there
to look for that job
that probably wasn't
there, to start that car
that probably wouldn't
start.
and the once beautiful
wives
stood in their bathrooms
combing their hair,
applying makeup,
trying to put their world back
together again,
trying to forget that
awful sadness that
gripped them,
wondering what they could
fix for
breakfast.
and on the radio
we were told that
school was now
open.
and
soon
there I was
on the way to school,
massive puddles in the
street,
the sun like a new
world,
my parents back in that
house,
I arrived at my classroom
on time.
Mrs. Sorenson greeted us
with, "we won't have our
usual recess, the grounds
are too wet."
"AW!" most of the boys
went.
"but we are going to do
something special at
recess," she went on,
"and it will be
fun!"
well, we all wondered
what that would
be
and the two hour wait
seemed a long time
as Mrs.Sorenson
went about
teaching her
lessons.
I looked at the little
girls, they looked so
pretty and clean and
alert,
they sat still and
straight
and their hair was
beautiful
in the California
sunshine.
the the recess bells rang
and we all waited for the
fun.
then Mrs. Sorenson told us:
"now, what we are going to
do is we are going to tell
each other what we did
during the rainstorm!
we'll begin in the front row
and go right around!
now, Michael, you're first!. . ."
well, we all began to tell
our stories, Michael began
and it went on and on,
and soon we realized that
we were all lying, not
exactly lying but mostly
lying and some of the boys
began to snicker and some
of the girls began to give
them dirty looks and
Mrs.Sorenson said,
"all right! I demand a
modicum of silence
here!
I am interested in what
you did
during the rainstorm
even if you
aren't!"
so we had to tell our
stories and they were
stories.
one girl said that
when the rainbow first
came
she saw God's face
at the end of it.
only she didn't say which end.
one boy said he stuck
his fishing pole
out the window
and caught a little
fish
and fed it to his
cat.
almost everybody told
a lie.
the truth was just
too awful and
embarassing to tell.
then the bell rang
and recess was
over.
"thank you," said Mrs.
Sorenson, "that was very
nice.
and tomorrow the grounds
will be dry
and we will put them
to use
again."
most of the boys
cheered
and the little girls
sat very straight and
still,
looking so pretty and
clean and
alert,
their hair beautiful in a sunshine that
the world might never see
again.
and

if it ever bloody rains

If it ever bloody rains by Ivan Donn Carswell

I never said I would, I only said I could
do what you wished, the subtle difference
should have raised a cautious flag;
maybe I bragged out loud, made it sound
as if it was intent, I never meant to make
it seem that way. So today I wear your
brittle animosity – just out of curiosity, how do
you manage that? It smacks me to the core, though
I’ve felt it thus before I’ve never managed yet
to live at ease with towering dread that’s leaden
in your steely, silent gaze. I suppose my only road
is plea of raw insanity, I’m bruised and battered
from a false belief that rain would fall and give relief,
that you would see the consequence of acting
out too soon. I should tilt the moon, I knew
you’d never fall for that. Alright, I’ll clean the goddamn
drains; God forbid, if it ever bloody rains I’ll take
the chance and also dance a naked jig.
© I.D. Carswell

This one is not really about rain but I am posting it because, looking for poems on rain, I found this and like it.

If people ever bloody stop being imperfect!

the language of rain

Think of it: all that speech pouring down, selling nothing, judging nobody, drenching the thick mulch of dead leaves, soaking the trees, filling the gullies and crannies of the wood with water, washing out the places where men have stripped the hillside! What a thing it is to sit absolutely alone, in the forest, at night, cherished by this wonderful, unintelligible, perfectly innocent speech, the most comforting speech in the world, the talk that rain makes by itself all over the ridges, and the talk of the watercourses everywhere in the hollows! ... And I listen, because it reminds me again and again that the whole world runs by rhythms I have not yet learned to recognize, rhythms that are not those of the engineer. -

Thomas Merton

It's raining in Berkeley today. We got enough rain that it messed with the morning commute, with some streams overflowing, roads slicker. It's all good.  May it rain all day.

my blood whispers to me

I have been and still am a seeker, but I have ceased to question stars and books; I have begun to listen to the teaching my blood whispers to me.
~ Hermann Hesse

a living, breathing, screaming invitation

 

This was posted to Elephant Spirituality's FB page and reposted by my friend Kim Wright.

the alien bar scene in Star Wars & a prayer to my angel

I have not seen all the Star Wars movies. I resisted seeing any of them, even the first.   I am not overly fond of science fiction.  I did, eventually, watch Star Wars, primarily because I kept hearing so many cultural references to it, years after the first movie came out, and I wanted to get the references.

My favorite scene is the bar scene on a planet that is not Earth. Hans Solo has landed to fuel up his space ship but also to make a vital connection. He goes to a bar known for making connections. In this bar are all kinds of beings that do not look like humans. To Hans, all the odd beings just look normal to him.

And the main point of the scene, for me, is that he is trying to make a connection to advance on his path, to get where he thinks he needs to go.

I feel like I am trapped in a bad bar scene, or waystation, waiting for my life to move forward but not moving at all. Stuck. What am I missing? What do I fail to see?

I ask my guardian angel to give me blunt clues because, as she knows, I tend to miss the subtle ones.

free blankets in soap boxes & free toasters from banks

In the nineteen thirties, I think, one marketing trick for laundry detergent, at least one laundry detergent company, was to put 'free' blankets inside the soap boxes.

I know about this because my grandmother had a white blanket with roses that she got free in a box of laundry detergent.  That blanket got misplaced.  I mentioned it to my Great Aunt Effie, my grandmother's baby sister, and Effie gave me an identical blanket.

I love this blanket. It's worn. And it was cheap to begin with so it is full of pills. It it a layer on a chilly night. I basically use it as a sofa blanket when I type on my sofa. It's not warm. It's pretty and sentimental.

Remember when banks would give you things like toasters or comforters when you opened a savings account?

I once moved my savings account so I could get a comforter. Not a down one but a thick one that would keep a person warm. Then I offered it to my aunt the nun who was working in a very poor parish and working to help the poor. She said "If you give me the blanket, I will probably give it away." That was fine with me. I had not seriously believed my aunt needed a blanket. I was a little indignant that she had not understood I had given her the comforter because I knew she needed things to help the poor she helped. Duh.

My aunt the nun is no longer a nun. When I was 47, she married an Episcopalian priest she met while attending a Jean Houston program. It was love at first sight but the guy was married. They decided he had to keep his commitment to his wife and songs, so my aunt took a job in Guatemala to get over him.

A few years later, that Episcopal priest turned up in Guatemala to propose. His wife had decided she was a lesbian and was divorcing him. A clean, ethical break for the priest. He was free to marry my aunt, who quickly left her order, with her order's support.

empathy

Keeping Things Whole

Keeping Things Whole by Mark Strand

In a field
I am the absence
of field.
This is
always the case.
Wherever I am
I am what is missing.

When I walk
I part the air
and always
the air moves in
to fill the spaces
where my body's been.

We all have reasons
for moving.
I move
to keep things whole.

 Former U.S. poet laureate Mark Strand died today. This is one of his most beloved poems.

The myth of progress manifested in tool form.

“Wilderness can be saved permanently,” claims Ted Kaczynski, “only by eliminating the technoindustrial system.” I am beginning to think that the neo-environmentalists may leave a deliciously ironic legacy: proving the Unabomber right.

The Unabomber opens his book with these four premises, which the author of the Orion article agrees with. Kingsworth describes reading the Unabomber and how he found himself agreeing with him.

Here are the four premises with which Kaczynski begins the book:

1. Technological progress is carrying us to inevitable disaster.
2. Only the collapse of modern technological civilization can avert disaster.
3. The political left is technological society’s first line of defense against revolution.
4. What is needed is a new revolutionary movement, dedicated to the elimination of technological society.

The above quote is from an Orion Magazine article by Paul Kingsworth. Link to the whole article below.

Another quote from this great article:

“Romanticizing the past” is a familiar accusation, made mostly by people who think it is more grown-up to romanticize the future. But it’s not necessary to convince yourself that Paleolithic hunter-gatherers lived in paradise in order to observe that progress is a ratchet, every turn forcing us more tightly into the gears of a machine we were forced to create to solve the problems created by progress. It is far too late to think about dismantling this machine in a rational manner—and in any case who wants to? We can’t deny that it brings benefits to us, even as it chokes us and our world by degrees. Those benefits are what keep us largely quiet and uncomplaining as the machine rolls on, in the words of the poet R. S. Thomas, “over the creeds and masterpieces”:

The machine appeared
In the distance, singing to itself
Of money. Its song was the web
They were caught in, men and women
Together. The villages were as flies
To be sucked empty.
God secreted
A tear. Enough, enough,
He commanded, but the machine
Looked at him and went on singing.

Another quote from the Orion piece:

We are not gods, and our machines will not get us off this hook, however clever they are and however much we would like to believe it.

civilization is going to collapse, so what to do w/ourselves?

I don't agree with Kaczinsky's criminal attempt to harm people he believe were contributing to our collapse but I agree with what Kingsworth:  Kacinsky was onto something right.

You are that lumiosity

Ignorance can be compared to
a dark room in which you sleep.
No matter how long the room has been dark,
an hour or a million years,
the moment the lamp of awareness is lit
the entire room becomes luminous.
You are that luminosity.
You are that clear light."
-Tenzin Wangyal Rinpoche

blind and clueless

A former acquaintance abusively told me several times that I am blind and clueless.  When I indicated I did not like being negatively characterized as blind and clueless, he would express disbelief that I was offended by his negative characterization. Only this guy has his charm act down pat so he charmingly chided me for taking offense at what he characterized as his harmless characterization.

I am an INFJ, deeply intuitive, severely gifted intellectually. I usually get the feedback that I seem more tuned in than most people, that I pick up on all kinds of details that few others notice.

I am so not blind and clueless.

When someone negatively characterizes me, or anyone other than themselves, they are engaged in self-disclosure. Listen attentively when someone you have mistakenly believed was your friend tells you what is wrong with you. They are telling you about themselves.

So the man who told me I am blind and clueless was really telling me he is blind and clueless.

This man also frequently told me he did not trust me. Translation:   he was telling me he is not trustworthy. And, as it turned out, he was not. I genuinely believed he was my friend. We've all heard the old saying 'with friends like that, who needs enemies'.  Some people, apparently, feed like vampires off the strength of others, deriving a sense of their own value by putting others down and then, seeing they have deflated the other, they feel a false inflation of their own value.  I guess. I am speculating. I don't really know why anyone could, so wrongly, see blindness and cluelessness in me.

I am notorious among my friends for noticing everything.  I have friends who are internationally recognized communication consultants who are amazed at all the things I notice, and these are people that notice most things, too.

Once, when a friend and I were convening a four-day weekend, residential event, someone went through most of the rooms where people were staying, during the dinner hour, and stole money from most purses and wallets. The group was very upset and even fearful, wondering if a stranger had come to the retreat center. The loss of the money was less upsetting than the idea of a stranger staking out our group, watching us and carefully choosing dinner time to steal from most of us.

So my co-convenor and I gathered to talk about it. She had absolutely no idea who could possibly have violated the privacy of most of the group. For me, it was instantly obvious.

A new participant in this community, for this was an ongoing experiment in community that met four times a year for four-day residential retreats, had dragged her unwilling fourteen year old daughter to the gathering. This new participant had just finished her college degree and had been promising her daughter for quite some time that after graduation, the mother and daughter would have a weekend getaway together. When this woman heard about our gathering, she wanted to attend it and she, disingenuously, imho, told her daughter "this will be out special time together".

But it wasn't a special time together. The new participant aggressively made a big presence in our group, took over lots of circle time blowing her own horn. And she did not spend any time with her teenager.

I, convening that weekend, paid closer attention than I might have if I were not convening. I saw the teenager was angry, upset and unhappy to be at this adult and, to her, boring gathering.

When I heard someone had stolen money from most of the participants, I knew instantly that it was the teenager.

When my co-convenor and I gathered to assess how to manage the anxiety that was alive in the whole group, I said "It's so-and-so, the teenager, she's mad at her mama."  My co-convenor, a beloved friend,  and also a hugely successful communications consultant who has worked all over the world, published popular books on group dynamics models and dialogic models, almost gasped and she exclaimed "I never would have gotten that!"  She didn't have to say that she knew I was right. We both felt the certainty that I was right. That teen was angry with her mother for dragging her to a boring adult gathering. The kid might have been okay with spending a weekend in the woods. I think what rankled the kid was her mom had said "This is out getaway together" when the mom was totally absorbed by the event and ignored her daughter. Probably a pattern in their ongoing lives.  This mother had a tendency to suck up all the attention she could.

The next time the group met in full circle, it came out that it was the girl.  The group did not talk about her motives.  Everyone was empathetic and many participants shared stories of having stolen, esp. as a young person. No one suggested that the girl had stolen from most of the participants to act out anger towards her mother. But that's what it was.  Mad at her mama.

A blind and clueless person would not have seen, instantly, that the thief was that kid, mad at her mama.

The kid fessed up on her own. No one had to confront her.

I couldn't understand why the whole community had not instantly realized it had been that teenager. Her anger at her mother was boiling over. The girl had disrupted our large circles, sucking up a lot of attention from all of us because, I surmised even before the theft was discovered, she wasn't getting the attention she wanted from her mother.  It was obvious to me.

Then again, I had endured an angry teenage daughter.   I had relevant experience?

Black Elk Speaks v. Guns Germs and Steel

For my college freshman orientation program, the first book I was assigned to read in college was Black Elk Speaks. I wrote a post about Black Elk Speaks a few days ago.

I have had a nagging urge to remember something and I remembered what I was trying to remember just now.

My daughter also had an orientation at college. I believe the transfer students, which she was, and freshman all read the same book:  Jared Diamond's Guns Germs and Steel.

I remember recoiling in my being at the book Guns Germs and Steel. I considered reading it, to have a sense of what my daughter was learning. I don't think she ever read it, actually. Some guy she was seeing just before she left for Ithaca found it fascinating.

1971:  as a college freshman, my first book was Black Elk Speaks

2001:  as a transfer student in orientation, my daughter, all the new transfers and all the freshman were assigned Jared Diamond's Guns Germs and Steel.

I don't think I could read a book called Guns Germs and Steel even if I were paid a hundred dollars a word. I suspect the name tells me all I need to know:  guns, germs and steel have shaped human civilization.

Black Elk Speaks offered a way forward. Guns Germs and Steel seemed wrong to me.  I wonder why my daughter's college chose the book it chose. I thought the choice did not bode well for my child.

I am grateful I went to a university that had all its freshman read Black Elk Speaks. We also watched an Ingmar Bergman film during our freshman studies program, my introduction to foreign film.

THANK THANK THANK THANK: poem

THANK   THANK   THANK   THANK
PRAISE       PRAISE     PRAISE
THANK   THANK   THANK   THANK
CELEBRATE THE DAYS


A thank for mandolins and cheese
A thank for wine and honeybees
A thank for fellows deft and quirky
A thank for stuffing in the turkey

A thank for pixies trolls and faieries
A thank for Bloody and Holy Marys
A thank for angels and for knaves
A thank for rumors with their waves (a reference to the band Rumors of the Big Wave)

A thank for art and dance and words
For cooks and cocks and hummingbirds
A thank for queers and queens and cuties
and one for brawny hot patooties

A thank for those whose love is firm
A thank for hardon and for sperm
A thank for friends and food like this
and every taste of simple bliss

THANK   THANK  THANK   THANK
PRAISE       PRAISE     PRAISE
THANK   THANK   THANK   THANK
CELEBRATE THE DAYS

James Broughton 1992

you never looked so alone, Billy Collins

Embrace by Bill Collins

You know the parlor trick.
wrap your arms around your own body
and from the back it looks like
someone is embracing you
her hands grasping your shirt
her fingernails teasing your neck
from the front it is another story
you never looked so alone
your crossed elbows and screwy grin
you could be waiting for a tailor
to fit you with a straight jacket
one that would hold you really tight.

do I dare to eat this peach? or write about my real life?

If I am going to write a memoir of my actual life, instead of  limiting myself to happy or funny memories, I will have to write stories I can barely access.  I am going to write about my hesitations and anxieties in an effort to write my real story.

When I got divorced, I was, and this surprised me, concerned about being a divorced Catholic.  I had given up on Catholicism when I was in my teens. When I married a man who had also gone to Catholic school all his life, including his undergrad and MBA programs, I slid back into going to church and acting like a Catholic. 

I was very unhappy in that marriage. Church was surprisingly soothing. As a child attending mass a lot, I had never really connected spiritually. Going to Catholic school, having parents active in parish life, my Catholic world was cultural.  Irish Catholic cultural.

I was surprised, during my brief marriage in my late twenties, to find solace at Sunday mass.  My husband, who talked all the time about his Catholicism rarely went to mass. I soon reached the point where I never missed.

When we separated, I talked to my parish priest about becoming a divorced Catholic.  He gave me what is probably good advice.  He told me that a divorced Catholic had to wait a few years to file for an annulment. He suggested that I write my annulment petition then, as soon as I had separated.  He suggested writing it might be cathartic plus it would spare me from reliving the answers years later.

So I did start to write my annulment petition in the early weeks of my legal separation from my husband.  I wrote and wrote and wrote, answering each question I depth.

I was probably 20 pages into my annulment petition when I realized I was writing the fake version of our lives that my ex-husband and I had invented to cover times when we had gaps in employment or had been fighting ferociously.  We had so smoothly told fake versions of our shared life that I was smoothly writing it down for ‘the Vatican’. 

When I realized I wanted a divorce from my false narrative, I dropped the idea of annulment. And that was when I truly stopped being a Catholic.

There, you see, I just wrote another inaccurate piece of my past.

I did completely drop Catholicism from my heart and soul. I was raising a child, however.  When she and I were able to move away from Nebraska, returning to Minnesota where I had gone to law school and had friends, I felt I should give my child some kind of spiritual life.

When we first moved to Minnesota (first time for her, a return for me), we happened to live two blocks from a Catholic church with a spellbinding young Irish priest who gave great sermons. The church had great music. For the year or so we lived there, we went to mass every Sunday. After mass, we walked to a nearby café were Rosie always ordered a bottle of orangina, which she did not actually like to drink. She liked the round bulb of the bobble. It was expensive. Every Sunday I tried to cajole her out of that orangina, then cajole her into drinking it. She never budged.

One day in church, after the energetic young, visiting Irish priest had returned to Ireland, a priest said, in the middle of a hate-speech sermon, “If anyone in this church right now doesn’t believe that homosexuality is a sin, they should leave this church and never come back.”

Thank you, Father!

Rosie and I were seated in the third row, smack dab in the middle of that very long row.  We got up and crawled over a dozen or more right-thinking Catholics.

I relished the dramatic departure. Rosie was glad to get out of sitting still for mass.

That was when I gave up on Catholicism for good.

My baby brother and my best out of four brothers is gay.  I could not attend a church that considered my dollykins Dave a sinner.  Dave came into this world very effeminate. When he was five and I fifteen, I had a moment of awareness that Dave was one of those males I had heard whispers about. I didn’t have language for what I knew about my little brother but I knew:  he was ‘like that’, whatever that was.  After that, no one could tell me people choose to be queer. Dave was born gay.

Then my guiding star for finding a church, for I felt I had to give my child some kind of spiritual exposure apart from my own beliefs,  became finding a church that accepted homosexuals without judgment.  In the mid-eighties, this was not an easy quest.

For some time, Rosie and I went to a different church most Mondays, rejecting them.

I don’t want to write about my attempts to give my child some kind of spiritual foundation.  We ended up in Waldorf, which does not teach anthroposophy, of course, but which became our source for fellowship and community.  We did search for church for some years but left church behind as we grew in anthroposophy.

My point is that annulment petition, how I wrote a fake version of my life.

I veer away from my truths in not-quite-conscious ways. 

Maybe I am too intense. Or maybe I think about the truth of my life in a skewed way.

I don’t know if I will be able to write my real life story but I hope to try. Ever since it came to me that I live behind layer upon layer of white lies and hiding aspects of my being, I feel a tremble in my whole being.

Do I dare to write about aspects of my life I have never talked about with anyone, except for Jane, a psychotherapist I saw every Monday for ten years.  Jane might be the only person I have ever revealed myself honestly to. And that took years.

Jane once said, and she was the kind of therapist that almost never said anything, “I have a strong sense, Tree, that you are dancing on the table here, that you are not telling me about your real life, but the one you think is acceptable.”

Dancing on the table. She was right.

I have been dancing on the table all my life.  Can I stop now?  I trusted Jane as much as I have ever trusted anyone and I couldn’t stop dancing on the table for her. I wanted to but I couldn’t.

It hit me last night, powerfully, that I might be ready to stop dancing on the table.  And maybe, at age 61, it is too late to stop. Too late to be me.  I hope not.

I keep thinking of a quote from George Eliot:  “It’s never too late to be who you might have been.”

I note that I did not write what the true story of our marriage was here. That might be a start.

Something within me seems to want to come out.

One benefit of being dumped by my daughter and even my five siblings, who all live far from me ,and my parents gone is I am free to write my story. Own my story. Write whatever I want in anyway I like. As Annie Lamott has been quoted saying "If people wanted you to write nicer stories about them, they should have been nicer to you."

I am free from the constraint of relatives who might object to me writing my life story

my daily pancake

I checked out Berkeley's new Whole Foods recently.  It's hella long walk from my place. The old Whole Foods is not only half as far but more like a grocery store. The new place has an odd layout and even odder food choices. In my opinion.

One interesting new thing:  the paleo hot food take-out bar.  I don't try to follow a paleo diet but paleo usually means lower carbs. My diabetes necessitates rigorous carb control. So I turned to the paleo food bar in curiosity.

I bought a bunch of spicy green beans.  And added some marinated crimini mushrooms in the same box. The marinade was tart and sour, burying any mushroom flavor and seeping into my deliciously spicy green beans. Yuck.

Right now, before I head to my writers group, I am enjoying my favorite daily breakfast. I think it counts as paleo but I am not sure.

Mash two bananas, add cinnamon, two eggs, beat with stick blender and cook like a pancake. It is as much egg dish as banana dish but it is as close to pancake as I get these days. I have added ginger to this recipe and it tasted fine. I have also tried a dash of vanilla; also fine. I love a cinnamon-y pancake like breakfast.  Sometimes I add chia seeds, which does not change the flavor or texture.  I quite like the way chia seeds metabolize slowly and leave me feeling full.

On paleo, can you eat bananas?

I used to avoid most fruits, because of the carbs. I have learned fruits have healthier carbs than processed foods like most flours and all sugar and sugar substitutes.

a bit of butter on toast: yum

The host of our writing group always puts out bread and butter for toast. Sometimes muffins. She also presents nuts and, sometimes, blends of trail mix with a few bits of chocolate.

I always bring my own snacks, everywhere I go. If I feel suddenly ravenous, I have learned, I need to eat. A one ounce bag of cashews, sold conveniently by the dozen at Trader Joe's, does the trick.

I have resisted buying glucose tablets for low blood sugar challenges.  I have not had many low blood sugar moments. I bring a piece of fruit to eat when I feel low blood sugar. I also test when I feel my glucose is dropping. I need data, urgently. A 70 reading is very different than a 30. A 30 is close to coma time.

Low blood sugar can happen overnight while sleeping and this is often when the type one diabetic slips into a coma.  My former endocrinologist wanted me to awaken at 2 a.m. each night to test for lows but that would keep me awake for hours. Plus I never tested low.

Diabetes changes all the time. Doctors don't tell you this. Doctors, in my experience, don't tell diabetics very much. And endocrinologists are weirdly, tightly focussed on certain lab tests and don't actually pay attention to the patient as a person.

Two weeks ago at my writers' group, an hour after Eric had offered to make toast for everyone. He made custom orders for each person but me because I don't do gluten, dairy (butter) or sugar (jam).

An hour or so into the writing, I suddenly felt my sugar plummet. Like a large stone dropped in a river.  I tested and there it was, the dread 32.

I got up and made myself toast. And, since I was eating wheat, reasoned I might as well butter that toast.   I miss hot buttered toast. I really miss it. Such a simple pleasure.

Eric, restless and hungry, I guess, came in and added a piece of toast for himself, expressing surprise that I was making some for myself. When I told him about my low blood sugar, he reminded me there was jam in the fridge.  I probably should have used some jam. Sugar will boost my glucose fast but probably not much faster than the highly processed white flour toast I was going to have. I was already looking forward to the hot buttery toast and already planning on a second slice. If I added jam, I would only have had one slice.

A purist? 

Two pieces of not-very-nutritious white bread toast with butter and my glucose was back up.

A persimmon would have done the job but I had slipped out without my fruit.  I always carry an apple and some cashews, depending on which way the sugar is moving. In persimmon season, I carry persimmons.

Those two pieces of hot buttered toast were so good.  They reminded me, however, that it is optimal to avoid highly processed carbohydrates. The more processed the carbs, the more I crave carbs. After such an indulgence, I crave junky carbs like more toast, donuts, even candy.

I have learned, to my happiness, that I can eat more fruit than I allowed myself for the ten years I was misdiagnosed. Fruit has healthy carbs. Fruit doesn't spark my glucose to dangerous levels the way highly processed carbs do.

But in a dangerously low blood sugar situation, processed carbs get the job done.

Gosh that buttered toast was tasty. And my blood sugar level snapped back into healthy range.

That buttered toast was so much more pleasurable than the most delicious fruit, probably because it was my first buttered toast in many years.

Not enough to condemn riots: Rev MLK.

"It is not enough for me to stand before you tonight and condemn riots. It would be morally irresponsible for me to do that without, at the same time, condemning the contingent, intolerable conditions that exist in our society. These conditions are the things that cause individuals to feel that they have no other alternative than to engage in violent rebellions to get attention. And I must say tonight that a riot is the language of the unheard." Rev. Martin Luther King, Jr., 1968

the greatest gift

chia seeds

I've been using chia seeds for about two years.  Now and then, I have a day without eating chia seeds and I really notice the difference.

Chia seeds are high in omega 3, providing enough Omega 3 in one ounce for a week. They are high in fiber and protein, too.

My favorite thing about chia seeds is how slowly the body metabolizes them, leaving me feeling sated for a couple more hours than a meal without them.

I put them in my grain-free breakfast muffins. I put them in my heavenly banana-egg-cinnamon-chia seed pancakes (almost no carbs! good for my glucose).

Eating chia seeds helps me need less insulin. Insulin is a tricky medicine. I need it to live, since as a Type I Diabetic, my pancreas is shutting down its ability to make insulin. Yet taking insulin tends to make it very hard to lose weight, a major goal of mine. I continue to steadily lose but it is a lot harder with all the insulin. Chia seeds help me eat less, eat less carbs and, happily, need less insulin.

My chia seed supply is low. I have to reorder but have to wait until the first. I am completely out of money until December first. No turkey dinner buffet from Whole Foods for me this year.  For years, I have gone to WF the day before Thanksgiving to buy a plate of traditional Thanksgiving, and also for Christmas, meal. Not this week! Perhaps it is just as well for I would surely have taken a scoop of stuffing -- carbs, carbs, carbs.

My organic baker pal said to me, yesterday (she lives in Santa Cruz), "Even if you don't have a family, you should be able to find a family of friends to have holiday meals with."

"I know, you'd think so. But I have spent all holidays alone since my daughter left me. I used to ask friends to invite me. People who do family things don't seem very comfortable including an Elisiah or two in their family meals."

Then she said "But many people have gatherings of friends, take in friends who would be alone. Seems to me Berkeley would be a great place for such hospitality."

"I think it is but something about me blocks me."  I didn't go into my sorrow. 

I deliberately kept my head down and did my best to ignore the holiday season, which I took to calling the holiday hellhole when 'Rosie left me. I haven't used the phrase holiday hellhole for a couple years. That's some improvement, altho in recent weeks, with holiday jingles feeling more assaultive than usual, I have heard myself thinking "Hunker down, babe, and keep to yourself, avoid the hell of the holiday hellhole."  The hole is no daughter.

One thing I really hate:  when a friend brings up the holidays, maybe just to say "Happy Thanksgiving" my heart uncontrollably leaps with hope, thinking  maybe they are going to ask me what I am doing and when they hear I will be alone, they'll invite me". I fell for that leap of hope for years. Now I hate it when friends mention 'the holidays'.

I don't celebrate 'the holidays'. I stay home alone, eating a raw green smoothie with chia seeds this year.

At least I have chia seeds. Actually I have plenty of food in the house. Wild salmon, squash. For some reason, I bought two butternut squashes yesterday. Visions of a curried swuash soup danced in my head. If I keep feeling better, I might actually make that soup. Otherwise, I'll just bake the squash.

rambling, eh?

peanut butter. v. Marmite

Marmite is a yeast paste commonly used on one's breakfast toast in the UK and, for all I know, on other things. I have eaten Marmite and its Austrailian equivalent, Vegemite, a few times. It is, as my mom often said to encourage her children to eat new foods, an acquired taste. It is a taste I never acquired.

One my daughter's Waldorf School has a prominent Anthroposophical teacher and speaker come to town. Several leaders of the school community, which included me as a board member, attended a dinner at one board member's home to honor him.

Over that dinner table, the topic of Marmite came up. The visitor was from UK. And he put us all in our place.

After several Americans had weighed in on the peculiarity of Marmite, he announced, in his stensorial, professorial tone, "For most Brits, peanut butter is intolerable. Peanut butter is disgusting. Can you explain to me why Americans love peanut butter?"

Touche.

We didn't get Marmite. He didn't get peanut butter.

Peanuts, by the way, are not a nut. They are a legume, wrongly considered a nut by most. Pinto beans, navy beans, black beans. These are legumes, not nuts.

Peanut butter is an odd food.

So is Marmite, eh?

Rapids by A. R. Ammons

Rapids

by A. R. Ammons


Original Language English

Fall's leaves are redder than
spring's flowers, have no pollen,
and also sometimes fly, as the wind
schools them out or down in shoals
or droves: though I
have not been here long, I can
look up at the sky at night and tell
how things are likely to go for
the next hundred million years:
the universe will probably not find
a way to vanish nor I
in all that time reappear.

Lucky: happiness feels like this

We don't even have to pretend
We know what it is
That we are looking for

Life is just a dream
Lucky you
Lucky me
Life is just a dream
Lucky you
Lucky lucky me

Listen to this song and feel happy, as I do when I listen to it.

More lyrics from this song:

There is a Place in Time and Space that WE can ALL BE FREE!  

paintings of women with holes in them

In the late eighties, I ran an intensive training business, training in inner capacity development. Very intense five day trainings.  We offered them one month in Minneapolis, then one month in Baltimore. My former biz partner lived in Baltimore when we joined forces. When I had built up the business in Minneapolis, she basically just took it from me. Old wound. Stop here.

Anyway, I occasionally helped run the intensives in Baltimore. I got to know the base of our Baltimore clientele. There was a woman named Gina who was an artist, a painter.  I went to her studio once. All her paintings were paintings of women and every woman she painted had a hole in her. Just a hole someone, mainly in the torso, that was nothing but air all the way through. When gazing upon her paintings, the holes seemed perfect.  I came away thinking "These paintings are perfect because every woman has holes in her."

And anthroposophists believe that when a woman has a child, the birth tears a hole in her etheric being. Imagine having eight full term pregnancies, as my mom did. Or fourteen, as my great grandmother did. Yikes.

I thought Gina's paintings made a profound statement about women. I don't think she was thinking about etheric holes. She was a artist. She likely worked from a vibration, an energy. If one asked, and people did, why all her women had holes in them, she would shrug and shake her head to indicate she didn't know. I felt like I 'knew', knew viscerally:  maybe all women don't have holes in them but I have a huge hole in me. I am terrified it will never be healed, or closed, or compensated for. Maybe I'm depressed, although I am taking an antidepressant but my hole, my wound, is wearing on me. Hopefully it's just because I am so sick and not healing quickly but I know myself. This is my hole, the kind of hole Gina painted in all her women.

as plants renew themselves from spring to spring

We are not granted
A rest on any step;
The active person
Must live and strive
From life to life;
As plants renew themselves
From spring to spring,
So humans must rise
Through error to truth,
From fetters into freedom,
Through sickness and through death
To beauty, health, and life.
Rudolf Steiner

I think I have posted this before. An old friend just reposted it, from my blog, on FB so I read it again.  I love the reminder that 'as plants renew themselves from spring to spring', so must we humans.

don't apologize for being sensitive

reminder: be gentle to myself

Day 4 mostly spent in bed recovering from intense rear flank pain and a serious kidney infection. . .. I am feeling better very gradually. I ignored my symptoms for weeks. And I can't wait until my flank pain is gone.  I am eating probiotics because I know the antibiotics kill all the good bacteria in my intestinal tract. I dragged myself to a store yesterday to get some probiotic foods.

And I am being gentle to myself.

the joyful cry "I am!"

This photo is from the FB page of David Ah-Zen. I love this image and this saying. How about you?

from "Black Elk Speaks"

The first book I was assigned to read for college was during a week-long freshman studies orientation. That first book was Black Elk Speaks. I loved the book and loved the class discussions of it.

"The first peace, which is the most important, is that which comes within the souls of people when they realize their relationship, their oneness with the universe and all its powers, and when they realize that at the center of the universe dwells the Great Spirit, and that this center is really everywhere, it is within each of us."
~ Black Elk ~

Indigenous cultures were way ahead of the curve of our capitalist/dominator culture. They recognized the sacredness in all and had deep reverence for their relationship with nature. They believed that if humans develop their inner capacities in harmony with nature, they could inhabit the bell of being and wisely choose how to live.

Rudolf Steiner also espoused views similar to indigenous culture's harmony with nature as guiding spirit.  He referred to nature, more or less, as the supersensible and nonmaterial realms that most westernized humans ignore.

I choose compassion

Don Miguel Ruiz states, “People can only love you at the capacity that they are able to love themselves.  They can only forgive and embrace at the capacity that they are able to forgive and embrace themselves. They can only give what they have the capacity to give.”

and I say. . .

I forgive myself but I take ownership in the choices I've made. I forgive others in my life and choose to have compassion for where they are on their karmic path.