never in front of others!

Once while I was spending time with a new friend, also a Waldorf parent, with three kids to my one, she remarked that my daughter seemed so happy and she marveled over the fact that she had never seen my daughter quarrel with me. My daughter was maybe 13 and 14. I said "Oh, she quarrels with me but I was raised to believe quarreling in public or in another's home was ill mannered and I have passed that standard along to my daughter. She quarrels with me, just never in front of others." That's all I said. I could also have said that this other mother was often openly critical of her children in front of me, my daughter and others. I could also have said I never criticized my daughter except in private. I wanted to point out that maybe her kids were often openly critical of her because, um, she was openly critical of them.

Once, when this other woman's daughter, who was a bit younger than mine, was wearing a new, skimpy piece of clothing she had bought without her mother's involvement, my friend openly ridiculed the girl, 13 or 14, for being too bad to pull off the look she seemed to be going for.

When her daughter had moved away, I said "I don't think you should criticize her, mock her, in front of me. It looks to me like she is trying on ideas of who she is, what it means to be attractive sexually. She's experimenting, as kids her age do."  I felt a hard pinch of my heart as I watched that middle school aged girl wither under her mother's sharp tongue.

I do not suggest I never said things my daughter was hurt to hear. I just virtually never said such things in front of anyone but her and I.

This woman shifted her behavior with her kids.  Many parents admired my interactions with Katie. So what did those parents and I miss, for apparently Katie hated me all along.