my dad

My parents got divorced at a court hearing held the day after my high school graduation.  Mom said, under oath, to the judge that she agreed she would not take my baby sister and toddler brother out of the state of Illinois. She left that courtroom and raced to our house to meet her United Moving Van. Those movers removed most of the furniture in our house, even taking my bed.

My dad did not want the divorce. He had not believed she would go through with it until she actually did. He did not have a lawyer but he went to court to plead to be able to see his kids.

Mom disappeared with my babies, for I believe I had spent more time with them, tending them, thorughout my h.s. years than our mother or father spent with them. I was the family cook, grocery shopping (done by stroller with the babies in tow, so shopping for one day at a time so I could haul kids and groceries home in that stroller). Mom was working half time, in the evenings to earn money for her college tuition. Mom went to college during the day. I was pressured to get the kids from their child care as soon as possible after school to save the hourly childcare fees. I actually had the use of the family car, which angered my teenage bros, so I could get the kids when I needed to.  I had the car a lot but I don't remember grocery shopping with it. We lived very near grocery stores, a short walk. And my babies like the walks.  I am skipping over lots of detail because I came here to write about a specific meory of my father.

Mom hid her location from my dad, thus hiding what I considered my babies from me. Off to college at the end of the divorce summer, I became drunk regular and cried about my lost babies. Mom reappeared only after she tried to collect the child support dad had owed but their divorce judge had said my dad didn't have to pay her a dime until she told him where his children were living. So she didn't surface because she cared about her other four children, including me and including Tom who was six when she fled with my babies. Tom was also a baby to me but I was only 7 when he was born and my babysitting talent was limited at age 7.

I spent college holidays at my dad's. Later I also sometimes spent school break time at my moms new home in Ohio but, except for the one time all the kids in our family but me went to mom
s for Xmas and I stayed in Chicago so dad wouldn't be alone on Christmas. Otherwise, I pretty much organized our family Christmasses during my college and grad school years.

I'd get to dad's in Chicago and start shopping. I learned what each of my siblings wanted for Xmas and I'd go out and get it. Dad gave me credit cards and freedom, trusting me more than he trusted himself to get the younger children their most wanted Xmas gifts. Sometimes the little ones had no specific want.

One year, I found a blue mylar/shiny vest that was supposed to be a disco dancing vest. I bought that shiny sparkling vest plus a skull cap about the shape of a swim cap but this hat was covered in multi color sequins. It was great stuff for playing dress up. My sister was thrilled with it.

When my dad had seen the hat and vest, he had been skeptical sis would like it. When she loved it, his eyes teared up as he cast meaningful glances at me, signaling his gratitude that I had chosen so well for my sister.

My dad was happy with hid children that day, esp happy to have the little kids in Chicago with him on Xmas. I used to have a photo, and maybe I still do, of my dad wearing that sequined cap and that shiny, shimmering blue vest with his long arms wrapped around my little sister (maybe age 7 by then?).  My dad looks as happy in the photo I am remembering as he ever looked. He looked joyful. And, and this was the kind of super power my dad often displayed, he managed to joyfully play with my little sister while he joyfully signalled his gratitude towards me. He actually said, his arms draped about little sis, that he realized I had gotten everyone exactly what they wanted. He teared up a bit, even choked up. And then, his face collapsed as he realized he had not gotten me anything.

He scrambled, telling my one elder brother to come with him. They went to Walgreens and he had brought my one older bro to give advice. My dad never really grasped how nasty this brother was towards me. He was not about to pick me out good gifts, although in those days, Walgreens was not the everything store it is today.  Dad brought home a couple drug store presents -- cologne and an address book -- and told me he had had them in the trunk of his car. I went along with that tale.  He had forgotten about me and presents for me. Truth told, being given money to buy what I wanted for my siblings, all deeply loved by me, had been a great gift.

My dad's been gone about 30 years. I miss him often. Some days I keen in longing for him. Some days I manage to feel his love for me and mine for him. Today is such a day.

I miss my dad.