Failing and Flying by Jack Gilbert
Everyone forgets that Icarus also flew.
It's the same when love comes to an end,
or the marriage fails and people say
they knew it was a mistake, that everybody
said it would never work. That she was
old enough to know better. But anything
worth doing is worth doing badly.
Like being there by that summer ocean
on the other side of the island while
love was fading out of her, the stars
burning so extravagantly those nights that
anyone could tell you they would never last.
Every morning she was asleep in my bed
like a visitation, the gentleness in her
like antelope standing in the dawn mist.
Each afternoon I watched her coming back
through the hot stony field after swimming,
the sea light behind her and the huge sky
on the other side of that. Listened to her
while we ate lunch. How can they say
the marriage failed? Like the people who
came back from Provence (when it was Provence)
and said it was pretty but the food was greasy.
I believe Icarus was not failing as he fell,
but just coming to the end of his triumph.
Thursday, June 28, 2018
Icarus did not fail, his triumph came to an end
we must risk delight in these dark times
A Brief For The Defense by Jack Gilbert. Gilbert spent much of his life living abroad. From SF, he wrapped up his life in Berkeley.
Sorrow everywhere. Slaughter everywhere. If babies
are not starving someplace, they are starving
somewhere else. With flies in their nostrils.
But we enjoy our lives because that’s what God wants.
Otherwise the mornings before summer dawn would not
be made so fine. The Bengal tiger would not
be fashioned so miraculously well. The poor women
at the fountain are laughing together between
the suffering they have known and the awfulness
in their future, smiling and laughing while somebody
in the village is very sick. There is laughter
every day in the terrible streets of Calcutta,
and the women laugh in the cages of Bombay.
If we deny our happiness, resist our satisfaction,
we lessen the importance of their deprivation.
We must risk delight. We can do without pleasure,
but not delight. Not enjoyment. We must have
the stubbornness to accept our gladness in the ruthless
furnace of this world. To make injustice the only
measure of our attention is to praise the Devil.
If the locomotive of the Lord runs us down,
we should give thanks that the end had magnitude.
We must admit there will be music despite everything.
We stand at the prow again of a small ship
anchored late at night in the tiny port
looking over to the sleeping island: the waterfront
is three shuttered cafés and one naked light burning.
To hear the faint sound of oars in the silence as a rowboat
comes slowly out and then goes back is truly worth
all the years of sorrow that are to come.
Wednesday, June 27, 2018
Hope, a dimension of the soul
"Either we have hope in us or we don't; it is a dimension of the soul, and it's not essentially dependent on some particular observation of the world or estimate of the situation. Hope is not prognostication. It is an orientation of the Spirit, an orientation of the heart.
Hope, in this deep and powerful sense, is not the same as joy that things are going well, or willingness to invest in enterprises that are obviously headed for early success, but rather, an ability to work for something because it's good, not just because it stands a chance to succeed.
Hope is definitely not the same thing as optimism. It is not the conviction that something will turn out well, but the certainty that something makes sense, regardless of how it turns out. . . It is also hope, above all, which gives us the strength to live and continually try new things, even in conditions that seem hopeless. . ."
- Vaclav Havel (1986)
Tuesday, June 26, 2018
today is her birthday
I started the day, of June 26, 1982, already in the hospital. I had sprung a small leak the evening before while waddling back to our table. We had gone out to dinner and a movie, with a plan to go out every day until our due date of July 11th. I felt a very sharp pain as I walked back to the table from the restroom. Later, health care folks opined that I had had a contraction. Or else the baby had kicked.
We had planned to see "E.T." which opened in our city that day but, as usual, her dad came home late and ET was sold out. So we went to see 'Poltergeist', the only Friday evening movie at our cineplex that sitll had tickets. When hospital staff speculated that I had a contraction or a baby kick when my water leaked, I silently wondered if it was the movie and its loud noise that had unsettled my baby.
While I had gone to the restroom, my husband had paid our check. So we went to our car and drove home. It was only when I started to get out of the car that I realized I had sprung a leak.
Pregnant women sometimes have a gusher when their water breaks. My water didn't quite 'break'. I really did simply spring a small leak. I knew, however, from reading and from the one lamaze class we had attended (and I had paid attention) that once that water seal was broken, the risk of infection was present. I knew the baby had to come.
My ex, however, did not trust my judgment. He insisted on going into our house, with me in the car sure I needed to go to a hospital for the baby's wellbeing, to call our labor and delivery nurse friend Denise. Denise was the instructor of our one delivery class but she was also the wife of one of my ex's childhood friends.
Denise agreed with me, telling my husband that I had to go to the hospital.
I did not go into labor that Friday night. The L&D staff decided we'd wait for me to go into labor. And my husband went home. The next morning, he went to his office. All the top staff worked on Saturdays and he was more worried about his appearances to his employers than his wife and baby over at the hospital. When he walked into work, he announced his wife was at the hospital and might have the baby that day. All the men he worked with dropped their jaws. They were all husbands and fathers and they couldn't believe he had gone to work instead of staying with me.
He had asked my labor and delivery nurse to give him a call when it looked like the baby was coming soon. Really he did. The men he worked with were so appalled that he had gone to his office that he came to the hospital. He showed up at the hospital with his wife in labor with his child because the guys at work were appalled that he was not with me. He did not show up because of me. Or his baby.
Sometime that day, my L&D nurse actually said to me, in a hush, that I seemed better off without him. She took to sending him on errands all that day to keep him away from me as much as she could. He was upset that I did not go into labor on my own. Huh? Why was he blaming me for nature? He was upset that I had been given a drug to get me into labor. He was upset that I called for pain relief, as if my doing so was an embarassment to him. This is not a moron. He has an MBA and a JD but he didn't seem to grasp basic things, such as I did not control when I went into labor, when I delivered.
A substitute ob-gyn, for my doc was out of town for his daughter's wedding, came around at 9 a.m. the morning of June 26 and gave me the 'pits', the pitocin to prod my body into labor.
I spent much of June 26, 1982 waiting to feel labor pains. Once I felt some, I called for drugs. Even my L&D nurse saw that my husband was not a real support so she did not press us to try natural delivery. Induced labor with pitocin generally has more intense labor pains.
Blah blah blah. I got drugs. I got wheeled into delivery. My baby was born.
Later, Mr. Charm told me what he had seen watching our daughter be born, watching all the blood, tissue, etc., that had to be expelled from my body, had been really disgusting. He said "Your body is really disgusting". He was referring to my placenta, her placenta, life process. A screen was placed so I could not see what my ex referred to as the grossly disgusting bits. For one moment, I was propped up and given a mirror so I could see beyond the screen to see my body half out of my body. I wanted to watch the whole thing. I was not put off by the messy stuff. I think that propping me up for a seconds-long glimpse of my baby half in and half out, before we saw her gender, was an odd touch. Was that supposed to help baby and I feel bonded? It didn't. I had been as bonded to her as any mother ever has been from the first instants I felt the new being in my body. I felt the presence of another being in my body in the first week or two that she landed in there.
He never patted my hand throughout my labor. He never paid any attention to me at all. He was such an odd duck.
She was wonderful. They took her away briefly to clean her up and then brought her back to me. He followed her. In the recovery room, they also took the baby away for a short while. The idea seemed to be that new parents would want to talk to one another alone for a bit. Not my guy. He left me alone in my recovery room and stayed with her.
He loved her. I am sure he still does. So do I.
Say, I am writing this story very differently than past tellings. And I am not keening in grief over losing her as I have. Progress? Or the end of caring?
This is how the day she was born unfolded for me.
We had planned to see "E.T." which opened in our city that day but, as usual, her dad came home late and ET was sold out. So we went to see 'Poltergeist', the only Friday evening movie at our cineplex that sitll had tickets. When hospital staff speculated that I had a contraction or a baby kick when my water leaked, I silently wondered if it was the movie and its loud noise that had unsettled my baby.
While I had gone to the restroom, my husband had paid our check. So we went to our car and drove home. It was only when I started to get out of the car that I realized I had sprung a leak.
Pregnant women sometimes have a gusher when their water breaks. My water didn't quite 'break'. I really did simply spring a small leak. I knew, however, from reading and from the one lamaze class we had attended (and I had paid attention) that once that water seal was broken, the risk of infection was present. I knew the baby had to come.
My ex, however, did not trust my judgment. He insisted on going into our house, with me in the car sure I needed to go to a hospital for the baby's wellbeing, to call our labor and delivery nurse friend Denise. Denise was the instructor of our one delivery class but she was also the wife of one of my ex's childhood friends.
Denise agreed with me, telling my husband that I had to go to the hospital.
I did not go into labor that Friday night. The L&D staff decided we'd wait for me to go into labor. And my husband went home. The next morning, he went to his office. All the top staff worked on Saturdays and he was more worried about his appearances to his employers than his wife and baby over at the hospital. When he walked into work, he announced his wife was at the hospital and might have the baby that day. All the men he worked with dropped their jaws. They were all husbands and fathers and they couldn't believe he had gone to work instead of staying with me.
He had asked my labor and delivery nurse to give him a call when it looked like the baby was coming soon. Really he did. The men he worked with were so appalled that he had gone to his office that he came to the hospital. He showed up at the hospital with his wife in labor with his child because the guys at work were appalled that he was not with me. He did not show up because of me. Or his baby.
Sometime that day, my L&D nurse actually said to me, in a hush, that I seemed better off without him. She took to sending him on errands all that day to keep him away from me as much as she could. He was upset that I did not go into labor on my own. Huh? Why was he blaming me for nature? He was upset that I had been given a drug to get me into labor. He was upset that I called for pain relief, as if my doing so was an embarassment to him. This is not a moron. He has an MBA and a JD but he didn't seem to grasp basic things, such as I did not control when I went into labor, when I delivered.
A substitute ob-gyn, for my doc was out of town for his daughter's wedding, came around at 9 a.m. the morning of June 26 and gave me the 'pits', the pitocin to prod my body into labor.
I spent much of June 26, 1982 waiting to feel labor pains. Once I felt some, I called for drugs. Even my L&D nurse saw that my husband was not a real support so she did not press us to try natural delivery. Induced labor with pitocin generally has more intense labor pains.
Blah blah blah. I got drugs. I got wheeled into delivery. My baby was born.
Later, Mr. Charm told me what he had seen watching our daughter be born, watching all the blood, tissue, etc., that had to be expelled from my body, had been really disgusting. He said "Your body is really disgusting". He was referring to my placenta, her placenta, life process. A screen was placed so I could not see what my ex referred to as the grossly disgusting bits. For one moment, I was propped up and given a mirror so I could see beyond the screen to see my body half out of my body. I wanted to watch the whole thing. I was not put off by the messy stuff. I think that propping me up for a seconds-long glimpse of my baby half in and half out, before we saw her gender, was an odd touch. Was that supposed to help baby and I feel bonded? It didn't. I had been as bonded to her as any mother ever has been from the first instants I felt the new being in my body. I felt the presence of another being in my body in the first week or two that she landed in there.
He never patted my hand throughout my labor. He never paid any attention to me at all. He was such an odd duck.
She was wonderful. They took her away briefly to clean her up and then brought her back to me. He followed her. In the recovery room, they also took the baby away for a short while. The idea seemed to be that new parents would want to talk to one another alone for a bit. Not my guy. He left me alone in my recovery room and stayed with her.
He loved her. I am sure he still does. So do I.
Say, I am writing this story very differently than past tellings. And I am not keening in grief over losing her as I have. Progress? Or the end of caring?
This is how the day she was born unfolded for me.
Saturday, June 23, 2018
summer produce
blackberries, boysenberries, fresh figs, stone fruits (Arctic Star peaches! Arctic Snow nectarines!), avocados and my weekly load of spinach and kale, a red onion to flavor salads, a bag of salad greens and heirloom tomatoes.
I will likely braise some spinach, smoothie-pulverize some kale. Such prep is all the cooking I'll be doing this week.
A tiny basket of boysenberries will be a meal. A few figs are heaven.
As I trundled home after my farmers market foray this morning, I imagined human ancestors foraging for food, eating what they foraged, with no agriculture and no cultural rules about 3 meals a day, sit down dinners or whatever.
If I had to choose just one food to feed on this week, it would be fresh figs.
And I don't have to choose!
I will likely braise some spinach, smoothie-pulverize some kale. Such prep is all the cooking I'll be doing this week.
A tiny basket of boysenberries will be a meal. A few figs are heaven.
As I trundled home after my farmers market foray this morning, I imagined human ancestors foraging for food, eating what they foraged, with no agriculture and no cultural rules about 3 meals a day, sit down dinners or whatever.
If I had to choose just one food to feed on this week, it would be fresh figs.
And I don't have to choose!
Friday, June 22, 2018
love dynamites the heart to grow
The pain of love is the dynamite that breaks up the heart, even if it be as hard as a rock.
Everybody can speak of love and claim to love, but to stand the test of love and to bear the pain in love is the achievement of some rare hero.
The mere sight of love's pain makes the coward run away from it.
No soul would have taken this poison if it had not the taste of nectar.
Those who have avoided love in life from fear of its pain have lost more than the lover, who by losing himself gains all.
The loveless first lose all, until at last their self is also snatched away from their hands.
The warmth of the lover's atmosphere, the piercing effect of his voice, the appeal of his words, all come from the pain of his heart.
The heart is not living until it has experienced pain.
Man has not lived if he has lived and worked with his body and mind without heart.
The soul is all light, but all darkness is caused by the death of the heart. Pain makes it alive.
The same heart that was once full of bitterness, when purified by love becomes the source of all goodness; all deeds of kindness spring from it.
<3 span="">
~Hazrat Inayat Khan
Everybody can speak of love and claim to love, but to stand the test of love and to bear the pain in love is the achievement of some rare hero.
The mere sight of love's pain makes the coward run away from it.
No soul would have taken this poison if it had not the taste of nectar.
Those who have avoided love in life from fear of its pain have lost more than the lover, who by losing himself gains all.
The loveless first lose all, until at last their self is also snatched away from their hands.
The warmth of the lover's atmosphere, the piercing effect of his voice, the appeal of his words, all come from the pain of his heart.
The heart is not living until it has experienced pain.
Man has not lived if he has lived and worked with his body and mind without heart.
The soul is all light, but all darkness is caused by the death of the heart. Pain makes it alive.
The same heart that was once full of bitterness, when purified by love becomes the source of all goodness; all deeds of kindness spring from it.
<3 span="">~Hazrat Inayat Khan
pink salt tomatoes fresh mozarella
After my great swim work out today, I sliced a vine-ripened tomato, ground a bit of pink Himalayan salt on the tomatoes, then added some slices of fresh mozzarella. The salt was so delightful as I bit into my lunch feast. Just that bit of salt was transformative?! I think so.
Pink lemonade blueberries yesterday. Pink-salted tomatoes today. I am loved by Creation and I love Creation.
Pink lemonade blueberries yesterday. Pink-salted tomatoes today. I am loved by Creation and I love Creation.
Thursday, June 21, 2018
pink lemonade blueberries
Pink lemonade blueberries are designer agriculture. Corporate ag scoping out high profit drops. And awesome.
Every three months, I see a doctor in an office a block away from a Whole Foods. Every three months, I go into this WF to, typically, buy some hot prepared food for my lunch or dinner. Or linner. I also always roll through the produce, mostly to be shocked by all the high pricing.
Today I took an attentive stroll past the large berries display. ONe side had organic berries, the other side conventional. WF sells mostly Driscoll berries which I am boycotting. Geez, they had a pound of Driscaoll's organic strawberries so cheap!!! those strawberries gave me the gimmees. I had to get some berries so I strolled around to the conventional side, just to see what was what.
I never buy conventional produce anymore. Never say never.
There, up close and almost personl, were teeny tiny, plastic clamshell containers container 4.4 ounces of. . . drum roll . . pink lemonade blueberries. For only $5.99. For conventional!!!
Berries are some of, mostly, low glycemic fruit, good for this type one diabetic. I have been tightly titrating my glucose and insulin lately. Which is how I rationalized buying a few ounces of pink lemonade blueberries.
Pink lemonade blueberries have no lemon taste. No pink inside but the skins are a bit pinkish. They don't have all that much flavor.
I offered one or two pink lemonade blueberries to my property managers, then the two maintenance guys, then a couple neighbors.
My main property manager told me she just saw cotton candy cherries at Costco. I said "I don't go to Costco, it's too hard to get to without a car but if I saw cotton candy cherries, I would buy one pint, for sure."
Pink lemonade blueberries!! They will be out of season by the time I see my pain specialist again. Praise goddess. They are spendy. They made me happy, so worth the indulgence.
Pink lemonade blueberries. Yowsa.
Every three months, I see a doctor in an office a block away from a Whole Foods. Every three months, I go into this WF to, typically, buy some hot prepared food for my lunch or dinner. Or linner. I also always roll through the produce, mostly to be shocked by all the high pricing.
Today I took an attentive stroll past the large berries display. ONe side had organic berries, the other side conventional. WF sells mostly Driscoll berries which I am boycotting. Geez, they had a pound of Driscaoll's organic strawberries so cheap!!! those strawberries gave me the gimmees. I had to get some berries so I strolled around to the conventional side, just to see what was what.
I never buy conventional produce anymore. Never say never.
There, up close and almost personl, were teeny tiny, plastic clamshell containers container 4.4 ounces of. . . drum roll . . pink lemonade blueberries. For only $5.99. For conventional!!!
Berries are some of, mostly, low glycemic fruit, good for this type one diabetic. I have been tightly titrating my glucose and insulin lately. Which is how I rationalized buying a few ounces of pink lemonade blueberries.
Pink lemonade blueberries have no lemon taste. No pink inside but the skins are a bit pinkish. They don't have all that much flavor.
I offered one or two pink lemonade blueberries to my property managers, then the two maintenance guys, then a couple neighbors.
My main property manager told me she just saw cotton candy cherries at Costco. I said "I don't go to Costco, it's too hard to get to without a car but if I saw cotton candy cherries, I would buy one pint, for sure."
Pink lemonade blueberries!! They will be out of season by the time I see my pain specialist again. Praise goddess. They are spendy. They made me happy, so worth the indulgence.
Pink lemonade blueberries. Yowsa.
Tuesday, June 19, 2018
so this guy said
I have a newish friend, a man the same age as my daughter. He likes me. I like him. I have, sometimes, strong maternal urges towards him. He is an unusual guy. He just quit one of his jobs to become a nanny for a newborn. The newborn's father is a psychiatrist, male, who came to realize he was sure he wanted to have a child but he was not clear he would marry. So he hired a surrogate and now has his month old son. Approximately one month.
My friend has never been around kids, much less infants, before he started to tend this little boy. Neither has the father. And no, my friend is not the lover of the baby's father and he is not gay and neither is the baby's father. The world is changing and men let themselves have children, sometimes, without female life partners.
My pal, let's call him Bob (not his name), does not trust himself to learn to distinguish the baby's sounds and cries. I told him today that babies make restless sounds, hurt sounds, hungry sounds, needing-a-nap or diaper change sounds. After Bob left today, I googled something about babies and came upon a website that suggested that some people never get to understand a baby's different sounds.
Huh. When I have tended babies closely, and my daughter was not the first baby I tended*, I often did not need to hear any sound from the babies. I would simply intuit what they needed. My intuition was very strong about my daughter. I would know she was going to want to nurse an hour before she did, and I would know she'd want to drink in an hour. I once told her father "We shouldn't go out to brunch today [my first Mother's Day with no reservations] because we'd have a long wait for a table on such a major brunch day and our baby was going to want to eat before we got seated. Plus my ex hated when I nursed our daughter in public, although I often did so.
*I was a primary caregiver for my youngest bro, who was born when I was ten. I tended him more waking hours than either of our parents until our parents divorced and our mother took him to a new state without telling where. He was 7 when she defied her divorce judge by removing my baby brother and baby sister. Sis was born when I was 13 and I was her primary caregiver.
Anyway, today Bob surprised me by bringing up my daughter. He knows I struggle, painfully, over her choice to shun me for going on 17 years (maybe longer, don't want to think the numbers through). I have told Bob that I have been doing a pretty good job turning off my longing for my daughter, plus he does not often introduce topics into our talks.
He said "I've been thinking about how you feel about your daughter. I wonder if it might help you if you could see she is flawed, not perfect, maybe even not nice. Well, duh. A daughter that took took took from me and then when she had bled me dry and I wobbled as I faced an empty nest, she shed me like dead skin but kept the expensive education, arts training and the proceeds of my duplex that could be giving me a comfortable income in retirement. Instead it gave her an Ivy degree. I believe she thinks she did it all on her own. There, I am feeling lots of pain again so I'll wrap this up.
I surprised Bob when I said "I know her choices related to me are cunty. I shared the story of my sister showing me brochures for my daughter's early college. Sis said "I think you should let her leave h.s. after her sophomore year and have her go to this school. I think if you live two more years with you, you will be dead because she is so mean to you and you don't even seem to notice."
I noticed. And when I shared this little story with Bob, he was surprised. I think he thought I had only fluffy love for my beloved child. I do block out her callous disregard of me and I blocked it out when she lived with me as a young child and teen.
She's a feckless cunt, at least as far as I am concerned. As I relayed a few stories to Bob today, about my daughter, he seemed relieved to learn I saw some of her negativity. And the talk with Bob helped me. Bob is not my shrink, btw. He is my housecleaner.
I believe loving her around her callous shunning of me is hugely iportant. I believe my unconditional love, even without contact between us, is real energy that buoys her and guoys me. I thought, after Bob left today, of Shakepeare's Sonnet 116 which is, most believe, a romantic love sonnet but it speaks so beautifully about human love. I shared with Bob the geat line from sonnet 116 that says 'love admits no impedments'. Loving her is about who I am. Holding her in my heart, loving her, matters. It matters to me and my belief system says it matters to her whether she knows it consciously or not.
A week from today she turns 36. I have not seen her, other than one abusive glimpse a couple years ago, since she was 17. I have never known her as an adult. How to bear such a grievous loss? On my good days, I bear it by allowing myself to love her.
Bob seemed a little surprised but also glad to hear my perspective.
My friend has never been around kids, much less infants, before he started to tend this little boy. Neither has the father. And no, my friend is not the lover of the baby's father and he is not gay and neither is the baby's father. The world is changing and men let themselves have children, sometimes, without female life partners.
My pal, let's call him Bob (not his name), does not trust himself to learn to distinguish the baby's sounds and cries. I told him today that babies make restless sounds, hurt sounds, hungry sounds, needing-a-nap or diaper change sounds. After Bob left today, I googled something about babies and came upon a website that suggested that some people never get to understand a baby's different sounds.
Huh. When I have tended babies closely, and my daughter was not the first baby I tended*, I often did not need to hear any sound from the babies. I would simply intuit what they needed. My intuition was very strong about my daughter. I would know she was going to want to nurse an hour before she did, and I would know she'd want to drink in an hour. I once told her father "We shouldn't go out to brunch today [my first Mother's Day with no reservations] because we'd have a long wait for a table on such a major brunch day and our baby was going to want to eat before we got seated. Plus my ex hated when I nursed our daughter in public, although I often did so.
*I was a primary caregiver for my youngest bro, who was born when I was ten. I tended him more waking hours than either of our parents until our parents divorced and our mother took him to a new state without telling where. He was 7 when she defied her divorce judge by removing my baby brother and baby sister. Sis was born when I was 13 and I was her primary caregiver.
Anyway, today Bob surprised me by bringing up my daughter. He knows I struggle, painfully, over her choice to shun me for going on 17 years (maybe longer, don't want to think the numbers through). I have told Bob that I have been doing a pretty good job turning off my longing for my daughter, plus he does not often introduce topics into our talks.
He said "I've been thinking about how you feel about your daughter. I wonder if it might help you if you could see she is flawed, not perfect, maybe even not nice. Well, duh. A daughter that took took took from me and then when she had bled me dry and I wobbled as I faced an empty nest, she shed me like dead skin but kept the expensive education, arts training and the proceeds of my duplex that could be giving me a comfortable income in retirement. Instead it gave her an Ivy degree. I believe she thinks she did it all on her own. There, I am feeling lots of pain again so I'll wrap this up.
I surprised Bob when I said "I know her choices related to me are cunty. I shared the story of my sister showing me brochures for my daughter's early college. Sis said "I think you should let her leave h.s. after her sophomore year and have her go to this school. I think if you live two more years with you, you will be dead because she is so mean to you and you don't even seem to notice."
I noticed. And when I shared this little story with Bob, he was surprised. I think he thought I had only fluffy love for my beloved child. I do block out her callous disregard of me and I blocked it out when she lived with me as a young child and teen.
She's a feckless cunt, at least as far as I am concerned. As I relayed a few stories to Bob today, about my daughter, he seemed relieved to learn I saw some of her negativity. And the talk with Bob helped me. Bob is not my shrink, btw. He is my housecleaner.
I believe loving her around her callous shunning of me is hugely iportant. I believe my unconditional love, even without contact between us, is real energy that buoys her and guoys me. I thought, after Bob left today, of Shakepeare's Sonnet 116 which is, most believe, a romantic love sonnet but it speaks so beautifully about human love. I shared with Bob the geat line from sonnet 116 that says 'love admits no impedments'. Loving her is about who I am. Holding her in my heart, loving her, matters. It matters to me and my belief system says it matters to her whether she knows it consciously or not.
A week from today she turns 36. I have not seen her, other than one abusive glimpse a couple years ago, since she was 17. I have never known her as an adult. How to bear such a grievous loss? On my good days, I bear it by allowing myself to love her.
Bob seemed a little surprised but also glad to hear my perspective.
Sunday, June 17, 2018
my dad
My parents got divorced at a court hearing held the day after my high school graduation. Mom said, under oath, to the judge that she agreed she would not take my baby sister and toddler brother out of the state of Illinois. She left that courtroom and raced to our house to meet her United Moving Van. Those movers removed most of the furniture in our house, even taking my bed.
My dad did not want the divorce. He had not believed she would go through with it until she actually did. He did not have a lawyer but he went to court to plead to be able to see his kids.
Mom disappeared with my babies, for I believe I had spent more time with them, tending them, thorughout my h.s. years than our mother or father spent with them. I was the family cook, grocery shopping (done by stroller with the babies in tow, so shopping for one day at a time so I could haul kids and groceries home in that stroller). Mom was working half time, in the evenings to earn money for her college tuition. Mom went to college during the day. I was pressured to get the kids from their child care as soon as possible after school to save the hourly childcare fees. I actually had the use of the family car, which angered my teenage bros, so I could get the kids when I needed to. I had the car a lot but I don't remember grocery shopping with it. We lived very near grocery stores, a short walk. And my babies like the walks. I am skipping over lots of detail because I came here to write about a specific meory of my father.
Mom hid her location from my dad, thus hiding what I considered my babies from me. Off to college at the end of the divorce summer, I became drunk regular and cried about my lost babies. Mom reappeared only after she tried to collect the child support dad had owed but their divorce judge had said my dad didn't have to pay her a dime until she told him where his children were living. So she didn't surface because she cared about her other four children, including me and including Tom who was six when she fled with my babies. Tom was also a baby to me but I was only 7 when he was born and my babysitting talent was limited at age 7.
I spent college holidays at my dad's. Later I also sometimes spent school break time at my moms new home in Ohio but, except for the one time all the kids in our family but me went to mom
s for Xmas and I stayed in Chicago so dad wouldn't be alone on Christmas. Otherwise, I pretty much organized our family Christmasses during my college and grad school years.
I'd get to dad's in Chicago and start shopping. I learned what each of my siblings wanted for Xmas and I'd go out and get it. Dad gave me credit cards and freedom, trusting me more than he trusted himself to get the younger children their most wanted Xmas gifts. Sometimes the little ones had no specific want.
One year, I found a blue mylar/shiny vest that was supposed to be a disco dancing vest. I bought that shiny sparkling vest plus a skull cap about the shape of a swim cap but this hat was covered in multi color sequins. It was great stuff for playing dress up. My sister was thrilled with it.
When my dad had seen the hat and vest, he had been skeptical sis would like it. When she loved it, his eyes teared up as he cast meaningful glances at me, signaling his gratitude that I had chosen so well for my sister.
My dad was happy with hid children that day, esp happy to have the little kids in Chicago with him on Xmas. I used to have a photo, and maybe I still do, of my dad wearing that sequined cap and that shiny, shimmering blue vest with his long arms wrapped around my little sister (maybe age 7 by then?). My dad looks as happy in the photo I am remembering as he ever looked. He looked joyful. And, and this was the kind of super power my dad often displayed, he managed to joyfully play with my little sister while he joyfully signalled his gratitude towards me. He actually said, his arms draped about little sis, that he realized I had gotten everyone exactly what they wanted. He teared up a bit, even choked up. And then, his face collapsed as he realized he had not gotten me anything.
He scrambled, telling my one elder brother to come with him. They went to Walgreens and he had brought my one older bro to give advice. My dad never really grasped how nasty this brother was towards me. He was not about to pick me out good gifts, although in those days, Walgreens was not the everything store it is today. Dad brought home a couple drug store presents -- cologne and an address book -- and told me he had had them in the trunk of his car. I went along with that tale. He had forgotten about me and presents for me. Truth told, being given money to buy what I wanted for my siblings, all deeply loved by me, had been a great gift.
My dad's been gone about 30 years. I miss him often. Some days I keen in longing for him. Some days I manage to feel his love for me and mine for him. Today is such a day.
I miss my dad.
My dad did not want the divorce. He had not believed she would go through with it until she actually did. He did not have a lawyer but he went to court to plead to be able to see his kids.
Mom disappeared with my babies, for I believe I had spent more time with them, tending them, thorughout my h.s. years than our mother or father spent with them. I was the family cook, grocery shopping (done by stroller with the babies in tow, so shopping for one day at a time so I could haul kids and groceries home in that stroller). Mom was working half time, in the evenings to earn money for her college tuition. Mom went to college during the day. I was pressured to get the kids from their child care as soon as possible after school to save the hourly childcare fees. I actually had the use of the family car, which angered my teenage bros, so I could get the kids when I needed to. I had the car a lot but I don't remember grocery shopping with it. We lived very near grocery stores, a short walk. And my babies like the walks. I am skipping over lots of detail because I came here to write about a specific meory of my father.
Mom hid her location from my dad, thus hiding what I considered my babies from me. Off to college at the end of the divorce summer, I became drunk regular and cried about my lost babies. Mom reappeared only after she tried to collect the child support dad had owed but their divorce judge had said my dad didn't have to pay her a dime until she told him where his children were living. So she didn't surface because she cared about her other four children, including me and including Tom who was six when she fled with my babies. Tom was also a baby to me but I was only 7 when he was born and my babysitting talent was limited at age 7.
I spent college holidays at my dad's. Later I also sometimes spent school break time at my moms new home in Ohio but, except for the one time all the kids in our family but me went to mom
s for Xmas and I stayed in Chicago so dad wouldn't be alone on Christmas. Otherwise, I pretty much organized our family Christmasses during my college and grad school years.
I'd get to dad's in Chicago and start shopping. I learned what each of my siblings wanted for Xmas and I'd go out and get it. Dad gave me credit cards and freedom, trusting me more than he trusted himself to get the younger children their most wanted Xmas gifts. Sometimes the little ones had no specific want.
One year, I found a blue mylar/shiny vest that was supposed to be a disco dancing vest. I bought that shiny sparkling vest plus a skull cap about the shape of a swim cap but this hat was covered in multi color sequins. It was great stuff for playing dress up. My sister was thrilled with it.
When my dad had seen the hat and vest, he had been skeptical sis would like it. When she loved it, his eyes teared up as he cast meaningful glances at me, signaling his gratitude that I had chosen so well for my sister.
My dad was happy with hid children that day, esp happy to have the little kids in Chicago with him on Xmas. I used to have a photo, and maybe I still do, of my dad wearing that sequined cap and that shiny, shimmering blue vest with his long arms wrapped around my little sister (maybe age 7 by then?). My dad looks as happy in the photo I am remembering as he ever looked. He looked joyful. And, and this was the kind of super power my dad often displayed, he managed to joyfully play with my little sister while he joyfully signalled his gratitude towards me. He actually said, his arms draped about little sis, that he realized I had gotten everyone exactly what they wanted. He teared up a bit, even choked up. And then, his face collapsed as he realized he had not gotten me anything.
He scrambled, telling my one elder brother to come with him. They went to Walgreens and he had brought my one older bro to give advice. My dad never really grasped how nasty this brother was towards me. He was not about to pick me out good gifts, although in those days, Walgreens was not the everything store it is today. Dad brought home a couple drug store presents -- cologne and an address book -- and told me he had had them in the trunk of his car. I went along with that tale. He had forgotten about me and presents for me. Truth told, being given money to buy what I wanted for my siblings, all deeply loved by me, had been a great gift.
My dad's been gone about 30 years. I miss him often. Some days I keen in longing for him. Some days I manage to feel his love for me and mine for him. Today is such a day.
I miss my dad.
Sunday, June 10, 2018
my dad rolling over in his grave
My dad grew up in a milieu that took the Democratic machine politics of Chicago as a baseline for life. Dad's father had worked for the city, reteaining his secure, steady gig through the Depression. My dad was a college grad but he sidled into Chicago city jobs for their job security. Security was my dad's top priority. To possess and retain that security, he was happy to be a precinct captain for the original Mayor Daley's political machine.
And my dad prodded all his kids to get government jobs. Government jobs were a winning formula for the Irish in Chicago. As I graduated from law school, my dad made a hard push for me to become a Chicago police officer. As if.
And if one didn't work for 'the city', the next best thing was a good union job.
I have four brothers and a sister. I didn't go government or union. My sister chose a career in international education, having now taught in China, Korea, Japan, Kuwait, Egypt, Albanian and, since she and I have not been in touch in over ten years, maybe other countries.
My sister flunked as a U.S. public school teacher. She did work for a couple public schools but she failed to hide her racism.
My baby brother is gay. If he is racist, he has hidden it from me. He is not at all political. He'll sleep with any race as long as his lover is male.
My three other brothers, which include a retired judge, a sliding into retirement accountant for unions (he learned the union lesson?) and one who got fired from his gig driving a delivery truck for Chicago schools because he is a drunk. Still, he was a union man until he got bounced.
My sister and the three other brothers are all racists. Racism among whites raised in Chicago is not unusual. I grew up white in Chicago's South Side. I heard plenty of privately articulated racism all my life. But never from my mother or father.
I had a boyfriend in h.s., somoene I dated a few months, who often commented about the monkeys, the free circus show he 'treated' me to when we went somewhere downtown. Going downtown meant we had to pass thorugh some all black neighborhoods. Mike, this awful boyfriend*, would say "I'm going to take this route so we can see more of the monkeys in the circus". He was referring to black humans. I cringed to hear comments like that but I don't think I, when age fifteen, objected. I was shy with guys. I was shy about everything. And I did not understand the murky paths of racist commentary.
My top three brothers (so excluding my gay baby bro) grew more open in their casual, racist invectives. As we got to college age and beyond, these brothers, and my sister, spoke openly in racist tones, using the "N" word a plenty.
I am estranged from all my siblings. Not my choice. I made a friend request on a FB page for my Irish twin, my brother Joe. Gosh, I may have made that request years ago. And Joe only has about 8 FB friends so he is not particularly invested in using FB. Still, recently, he accepted my friend request. I am astonished that he did. Of course I looked at his FB page once he accepted me and granted me access. Which is how I learned he has a few 'likes' and one of his likes is some Donald Trump fan group.
I am reminded of the time my sister, fourteen years younger than me, was in college. I was a young mom and lawyer living far from the family of origin but we still saw one another a few times a year. I would go home to visit my folks and always saw my sibs. Once, when sis was in college, we had some exchange, the details forgotten, in which she said, snarkily, sneeringly, dismissively "Oh, people of your generation think everything matters." To which I retorted "Everything does matter. It is delusion to think it doesn't." She was referring to my, in her view, inappropriate attitude about blacks. Crazy, black sheep me, I knew people of color are my equal, are all perfectly good.
I wonder how sis feels about Trump. I have seen, on her FB page, that my niece has recently declared herself in love and in relationship with a young black man. Christ on a cracker: that would have killed my sister when I knew her. And sis' husband, my niece's adoptive father, is a Frenchman, a racist bigot, a drunk (as reported by my sister) and an all around dirtbag.
Trump? In my family of origin? Un-fucking-believable. Yet apparently true.
My father could tolerate racist commentary from his children but he would have had a wicked ahrd time choking down seeing any of his kids love any Republican, much less this awful scumbag DonBoy.
And my dad prodded all his kids to get government jobs. Government jobs were a winning formula for the Irish in Chicago. As I graduated from law school, my dad made a hard push for me to become a Chicago police officer. As if.
And if one didn't work for 'the city', the next best thing was a good union job.
I have four brothers and a sister. I didn't go government or union. My sister chose a career in international education, having now taught in China, Korea, Japan, Kuwait, Egypt, Albanian and, since she and I have not been in touch in over ten years, maybe other countries.
My sister flunked as a U.S. public school teacher. She did work for a couple public schools but she failed to hide her racism.
My baby brother is gay. If he is racist, he has hidden it from me. He is not at all political. He'll sleep with any race as long as his lover is male.
My three other brothers, which include a retired judge, a sliding into retirement accountant for unions (he learned the union lesson?) and one who got fired from his gig driving a delivery truck for Chicago schools because he is a drunk. Still, he was a union man until he got bounced.
My sister and the three other brothers are all racists. Racism among whites raised in Chicago is not unusual. I grew up white in Chicago's South Side. I heard plenty of privately articulated racism all my life. But never from my mother or father.
I had a boyfriend in h.s., somoene I dated a few months, who often commented about the monkeys, the free circus show he 'treated' me to when we went somewhere downtown. Going downtown meant we had to pass thorugh some all black neighborhoods. Mike, this awful boyfriend*, would say "I'm going to take this route so we can see more of the monkeys in the circus". He was referring to black humans. I cringed to hear comments like that but I don't think I, when age fifteen, objected. I was shy with guys. I was shy about everything. And I did not understand the murky paths of racist commentary.
My top three brothers (so excluding my gay baby bro) grew more open in their casual, racist invectives. As we got to college age and beyond, these brothers, and my sister, spoke openly in racist tones, using the "N" word a plenty.
I am estranged from all my siblings. Not my choice. I made a friend request on a FB page for my Irish twin, my brother Joe. Gosh, I may have made that request years ago. And Joe only has about 8 FB friends so he is not particularly invested in using FB. Still, recently, he accepted my friend request. I am astonished that he did. Of course I looked at his FB page once he accepted me and granted me access. Which is how I learned he has a few 'likes' and one of his likes is some Donald Trump fan group.
I am reminded of the time my sister, fourteen years younger than me, was in college. I was a young mom and lawyer living far from the family of origin but we still saw one another a few times a year. I would go home to visit my folks and always saw my sibs. Once, when sis was in college, we had some exchange, the details forgotten, in which she said, snarkily, sneeringly, dismissively "Oh, people of your generation think everything matters." To which I retorted "Everything does matter. It is delusion to think it doesn't." She was referring to my, in her view, inappropriate attitude about blacks. Crazy, black sheep me, I knew people of color are my equal, are all perfectly good.
I wonder how sis feels about Trump. I have seen, on her FB page, that my niece has recently declared herself in love and in relationship with a young black man. Christ on a cracker: that would have killed my sister when I knew her. And sis' husband, my niece's adoptive father, is a Frenchman, a racist bigot, a drunk (as reported by my sister) and an all around dirtbag.
Trump? In my family of origin? Un-fucking-believable. Yet apparently true.
My father could tolerate racist commentary from his children but he would have had a wicked ahrd time choking down seeing any of his kids love any Republican, much less this awful scumbag DonBoy.
Friday, June 01, 2018
let me off
A conversation from about ten years ago has been flickering into my thoughts. I was in the golden tunnel, aware of energy at some lovely, subtle levels. I felt the pulse of the Cosmos/Love/Goddess most of the time. In such a space, I became vividly aware that the Cosmos is always conscious of me and all beings. If someone reads this and disagrees, that's okay. I get to own my own life, my experience of being.
Some guy I knew at the time learned that I believed the Cosmos was aware of each and every being, and he scoffed, mocked, saying "No way is there an omnipresent consciousness that knows about you all the time."
In another direction, I have always found myself reflecting very fleetingly, here and there, on the various stories religions come up with to explain creation.
I was raised in a very seriously Catholic community. I learned lots about Bible stories from eighteen years of Sunday sermons that always had some kind of root in the Bible. I learned a lot about Jesus in the Bible. No one in my Catho-world questioned an Immaculate Conception that resulted in Jesus Christ.
I have heard many, and I have done this a bit myself, laugh at the origin stories adopted by the Mormon Church or Scientology. Very recently, it struck me that any and all origin stories are human, imperfect, maybe impossible, attepts to explain essential mystery.
Why are we here? Why are there fireants? When did humans become humans? Where did the Earth come from?
I can no longer ascribe to the many creation myths that have male energy (patriarchy much?) at the core of Creation. I have yet to learn of humans who were not born from women's bodies. It makes a kind of sense that men tried to hijack the human narrative and make it male dominator-y. Men felt threatened and exerted control. Not unlike the tale of the USA fighting perpetual wars to retain its dominance.
Some guy I knew at the time learned that I believed the Cosmos was aware of each and every being, and he scoffed, mocked, saying "No way is there an omnipresent consciousness that knows about you all the time."
In another direction, I have always found myself reflecting very fleetingly, here and there, on the various stories religions come up with to explain creation.
I was raised in a very seriously Catholic community. I learned lots about Bible stories from eighteen years of Sunday sermons that always had some kind of root in the Bible. I learned a lot about Jesus in the Bible. No one in my Catho-world questioned an Immaculate Conception that resulted in Jesus Christ.
I have heard many, and I have done this a bit myself, laugh at the origin stories adopted by the Mormon Church or Scientology. Very recently, it struck me that any and all origin stories are human, imperfect, maybe impossible, attepts to explain essential mystery.
Why are we here? Why are there fireants? When did humans become humans? Where did the Earth come from?
I can no longer ascribe to the many creation myths that have male energy (patriarchy much?) at the core of Creation. I have yet to learn of humans who were not born from women's bodies. It makes a kind of sense that men tried to hijack the human narrative and make it male dominator-y. Men felt threatened and exerted control. Not unlike the tale of the USA fighting perpetual wars to retain its dominance.
