kill the baby

I had a strange dream, disturbing. It awakened me. I wish I had taken notes as soon as I awoke. I resolved to but then, as most dreams of mine do, it slipped away. I was in some trying circumstances with a very young infant, perhaps three months old.  Maybe a little younger.  I deeply loved the baby. I ached, in my dream, as I would ache in real life if I held an unhappy baby, to sooth the pain out of the baby.   The baby in my dream was not my actual daughter. it was another baby.  For some reason I am not remembering from the dream, the baby was very challenging, problematic and causing me deep unhappiness. The baby fussed and fussed, which I didn't mine. I always have had powerful patience with unhappy babies, it is one of my superpowers. When I say the dream baby was causing me deep unhappiness, it was not crying or demanding attention.  I didn't know what it was, only, in the dream, that the baby was making me very unhappy.
I think I actually thrashed around as I still slept, trying to figure out what to do about the baby making me so unhappy.
Then a voice spoke to me in the dream. It said "Kill the baby".
Of course I would not harm an actual baby but dreams can be laden with metaphor and occult meaning.  When I heard the voice tell me to kill the baby, I was awash with thoughts such as "oh, this means I should truly let my daughter go, I should never try to connect with her again, I should spare myself all the pain my failed attempts to reconnect cause me."
The idea, in the dream's terms, to kill my baby filled me with hope that I might yet have a happy life beyond my too-long sorrow over losing my daughter. Seventeen years of trapped grief, trapped in one of those 'snow globes' but instead of flakes of snow this metaphorical globe is, glass cinders float around. Glass cinders can be sharp and hurt bigly.  And at the bottom of this metaphorical cinder globe is, at times, my tell tale, failed heart* missing beats the way the actual heart in my chest now fails and at other times, it is an image of my Katie as a beautiful baby and as I behold the cinder glass globe baby, I feel such intense love.

The dream did not mean I should actually kill a baby. It means I need to kill my pain over my baby. It's not like I would be denying her anything. Clearly she wants no connection. I have to kill my fantasy, my longing, to have her come back to me.