I used to wonder how someone could be anorexic, to just starve

Now I know.

If I eat almost nothing, my glucose doesn't spike. I need much less fast-acting insulin which tends to make me pack on weight so I am glad to avoid it as much as possible. I eat well when I do eat, I just eat so little that I almost always have a hunger buzz. It's a kind of high, which I used to suspect when my daughter was anorexic, that she felt a kind of high. For me, the high is a sense that I am in control after feeling out of control of my body for too long.

For the first time, I have a sense of the appeal of anorexia. I feel high and happy as I feel great hunger:   I know I am losing and I want to lose. I feel I am in control.  I have internalized this culture's hatred, stigma and bigotry towards fat and I don't want to hold that shit any more.  I want to be seen as a person, not a fat, asexual person, dismissed as less valuable because I am fat.

Warning to any man who knew me fat:  you'll never have a shot with me once I am down another fifty pounds, which I will be soon -- very soon. I am losing rapidly and going to continue. I am going to be trim soon.

I have mulled this criteria over a long time, for I have been fat a long time and see men constantly erase me as not really a woman because I am fat. None of those men will have a shot at me and, I iamgine, none of them want a shot at a former fatty any more than they wanted to love my fat self. I am not the most attractive woman in the world but I am attractive when slender and attract plenty of males.

So be forewarned, ambivalent men who didn't figure out how to get past your fat bigotry. Get over it soon before I get slim of you lose your shot at me. And I am special. Brilliant, visionary, radiant and loving.  Any man should be glad to have me as his lover and mate. And if you don't want a mate, don't bother with me because I want a life partner.  I get to be me, to want what I want.

I am going to be normal size within a few months. Act now or forever lose your shot at me.

Flash!!!!  I am no longer fat enough to be eligible for weight loss surgery. I am not fat enough!!! Yea!