win the lottery

I'm playing win the lottery these days and I just won two dollars.  I had walked down to the Gourmet Ghetto, thinking about a slice of Cheeseboard Pizza, which is too carb-y for my diabetes but sometimes I trick myself into the exercise. I walk down there, telling myself I can have pizza if I want. When I get there, I don't. I buy a teriyaki thigh at Poulet or is it Pollo? it's a store that sells great roasted chicken and lots of sides.  One thigh was $1.87 at $8.50 a pound. Wow, huh?

Then I walked home, passing the temptation of Oscar's, which is a famous Berkeley burger joint that has been here forever. Their burgers are only okay and they don't brag about the meat so it much be corporate beef but they are pretty cheap. $4.50.  I also try to resist Oscar's. The buns are a lot of carbs but if I have not eaten all day, which is often the case -- I have odd eating patterns these days -- I might indulge in an Oscar's burger.

Mostly, I go in to buy a lottery ticket. Today I checked my last lottery ticket. I won two bucks.  Now I hope I win millions with the ticket I bought today with my winnings.  That would be great.

I'd buy a house with some garden sun to grow vegetables.  Maybe in New Mexico.  I love California. I love the Bay Area but I don't want to live in far-far-remote suburbia and the city is too expensive, right? Well, if I win thirty million, I'll househunt in the city.

Or maybe something in New York?

When I first lost my daughter, and I thought she was living in New York, I started playing win the lottery. It was the only way I could imagine getting her back in my life:  buying it.  I would dream hunt for cool lofts in what I imagine as early-Soho but which is now super extremely expensive even for a major lottery win.  I would endlessly debate:  should I buy a cool place for her to live in and then present it to her or should I contact her, tell her I have millions and want to buy her love.

Then I realized I was 'dreaming' that the only way my kid would come back to my life was if I could magically afford to buy her love.  Yuck, right?

Then I started dreaming of what I would do for myself.  I guess I could dream that again. For a few years, I dreamed of buying a property that could be co-housing, like a really great apartment building or a row of townhouses or just a block of houses.  It's a fun dream game.  I have whiled away days and days planning my co-ho.

Now, I observe, I can't see myself in community. I see myself alone all the time. That sucks. I am sure I could buy friends. 

I am unhappy if I am building a dream life around buying love, huh?