Love from people you will never meet!

Love seeping through paper and parchment and ink!

Love seeping through the cosmos via the internet, inter alia.

Love, love, love.

I am feeling love now but half an hour ago, I was in emotional pain, crying at a bus stop.

It is a beautiful day here in Seattle. A crisp chill. Lots of crunching as one walks along, leaves skittering. The sun is dazzling. I took a long walk to a big box store to buy cleaning products to do the final cleaning on my Seattle apartment (I now live in Mountain View, CA!). Then I walked some more to a bus stop to catch a bus back home.

A beautiful day. A fine walk. The dazzling sun. I was happy.

When I got to the bus shelter, I sat down so I was bathed in the sun rays. I kept my shades on and basked in the sun like a cat. It felt so good. I had been chilly as I had walked from the store to the bus stop. Warming up in that sunlight was so lovely. I had thoughts about the move to California. I thought about a piece of my book I've been working on. I thought about seeing friends from Seattle later this very month in San Francisco: one of my dearest Seattle friends will be in San Francisco and will visit me in just two weeks. Then I began to pretend that all of my Seattle friends take business trips to the Bay Area and all of them see me. I pretended I took future trips to Seattle and saw my old friends. I thought about the new friends I will find in California, about my writing plans. I thought about unpacking my kitchen in Mountain View. I was happy in a nice, simple, low-grade way. The bright, warming sun seemed to assure me that all is well, that I am safe and I am loved.

Then I remembered my daughter. I think of my only child every day, of course,at least in passing moments. Just over five years ago, she said she was never going to see me again and she has stuck to her plan, shattering me. Losing her almost destroyed me and, of course, sometimes I still wish that it had, that my life had ended so I didn't have to revisit the pain of losing her ever again. It was just a tiny moment but in this ugly, tiny moment, all of my heartache burned me anew.

The sun was still shining. I was still happy about my move and my book and all my loving friends. I cried hard, wiping the tears as they fell below my sunglasses.
I used to live in this hole of heartache. It used to be that when I fell into it, I might stay in it for weeks, days and, even, months. It always feels exactly the same: as if life is nothing but pain and suffering and that I will never get over losing my Katie and I will never know happiness again.

As I sat there in my petty heartache, I thought "This pain has been with me for hours". Then I realized that only a few moments had passed. I also realized that the bus would come soon, that the sun was still shining and I had stopped crying.

The bus did come. I am back home. All is well.

Being brokenhearted about Katie so briefly was like a cloud passing in front of the sun. It feels so good to be happy but the vapor of my painful loss is still with me.

I still want her back but how lovely that it only hurt a little awhile.