movement qigong eurythmy swimming

Just musing here, rambling through my mind. . . .

I have been severely depressed. I tend to think that present unhappiness feels worse than past unhappiness, analogous to the way I tend to believe present physical pain is worse than past physical pain.  I forget what physical pain felt like. For example, I can mentally recall that I experienced serious pain when I was in childbirth but, reflecting backwards, that pain doesn't seem to have been all that bad. When my pelvic area was wracked with the body cracking crunch of my baby coming out, the pain seemed bigger than my body, my being, my mind.  Anyway, my fuzzy, poorly-written point is that even though I sincerely believe I have been in the deepest depression of my life, maybe it's not true. But I am pretty sure this is the most depressed I have ever been, although maybe in the past I just wasn't able to surrender to depression the way I am now. In the past, I had things going on that drew me into the world. I could not stay in bed, only getting out to use the toilet and grab food and water from the kitchen, when I was raising a kid. She had to get gotten off to school, or picked up after dance. She needed stuff all the time and it was my job to go into the world and arrange for it.

In the past, I had jobs and commitments and all kinds of relationships that involved active interaction. Friends would call to talk. Gosh, I used to talk on the phone for hours and hours.

Recently, throughout January I think, I have only left my apartment a handful of times and only because I absolutely had to go out.  I had to deliver my rent checks in January and February to the management office in the lobby.  I had to go out and buy food. I had a dental appointment, a colonoscopy.

The most onerous task in my life right now is going to the drug store.  I am steadily shocked to see how hard it is for me to pull myself together, which includes having to get dressed, check to see that I have keys and wallet, and then walk one block to the pharmacy, stand in the always-too-long line, and get my meds.  This is so stupid but I can't get the pharmacy system to work to me. I have tried to request refills from home, so when I get to the pharmacy, my stuff will be ready but, for some reason, this never happens. Getting my scripts refilled always involves two trips, one to prod the pharmacy staff to refill a prescription and then a return trip to pick it up. Once in awhile, the staff offers to fill it immediately, which tends to mean at least a thirty minute wait. I will wait but these waits can seem interminable to me because I am so depressed.  I hate being out in the world, humans humming around me. I wonder if the word hum has any connection to the word human?  Hmmm.

I am crying now, thinking about how hard it can be for me to wait at the pharmacy. Such an outing leaves me feeling totally wiped out but it was nothing.

I have done trials in courtrooms, as a lawyer.  I have designed and lead awesome trainings and group experiences for years.  I have cleaned my homes, done laundry, gardened, sung in choirs, lobbied state legislatures, ridden bikes, driven cars, traveled abroad, laughed and loved but right now, lately, I don't want to do anything.

On Tuesday, I tried as hard as I could to sleep all day. I am amazed to have discovered that I can actually sleep for 20 hours in a 24 hour cycle. It's not restful sleep but I can zone out. Am I catonic when I am sprawled in bed for 20 hours in a 24 hour day?

The last time I saw my mom, in 2007, I was amazed by how much time she spent in bed, and, for the most part, sleeping. Now I understand that behavior. If there is nothing in the world that interests you, it is possible to draw into myself, block out the world, mostly avoid all thoughts, numb myself from feeling, and lay in bed doing something like sleep for 20 hours.