breaking up is hard to do

We have all heard the song with the lyrics 'they say that breaking up is hard to do'. That song is about the end of a romantic breakup.  You rarely hear songs about friendship breakups, or longing for friendship.  It can seem like only romantic/primary/partner relationships matter.

I am struggling over the end of a friendship. This male friend and I were not lovers but we love one another. We still love one another. But we are no longer friends.  I am heartbroken. And pretty much alone in this loss.Friends don't matter, right? Not as much as a lover, or, it sometimes seems to me, a beloved pet. This guy mattered to me. It's like losing a family member, only he's not dead, just dead to me. There is a hole in my heart, my being.

In my mind, in my heart, I still turn to this friend, still want to talk to him about my life. Nevermind that we have broken up because turning to him had stopped being a positive, happy stream.  We have broken up because we just couldn't find the right stream of energy to hold our friendship. We wanted different kinds of connection. The dissonance between what each of us wanted was unsettling, a growing strain for me and, I am pretty sure, for him.  It's a good thing we have stopped interacting.

I am grieving.  Bereft.