Daniel Johnston song
Listen to this great song. Here are the lyrics:
your picture
is still
on my wall
on my wall
the colors are bright
bright as ever
the red is strong
the blue is pure
some things last a long time
some things last a long time
your picture
is still
on my wall
on my wall
I think
about you
often
often
I can't forget all the things we did
some things last a long time
some things last a long time
it's funny
but it's true
and it's true
but it's not funny
time comes and goes
all the while
I still think of you
some things last a long time
your picture
is still
on my wall
on my wall
the colors
are bright
bright
as ever
things that we did
all we forget
some things last a life time
some things last a life time
Thursday, December 29, 2011
Wednesday, December 28, 2011
Tuesday, December 27, 2011
she was horrid
My mom read us poetry sometimes instead stories. And she was into sing-song-y riddles. She got hold of a book with funny poems about manners that she really loved. To tell the truth, us kids didn't love the poems about manners but my mom sure did.
There was one poem that went like this:
I eat my peas with honey
I've done it all my life
It makes the peas taste funny
But it keeps them on my knife
That one made us giggle. Why wouldn't someone eat their peas with a fork? or even a spoon? Why a knife?
And then my mom had little diddies that got from gosh knows where. Here is one I despised. She only said this one to me. I was the only girl in the family, with four brothers, until I was fourteen. By the time my baby sister came along,mom had stopped her kiddie poetry. I don't think she ever said this one to my sister:
There was a little girl
Who had a little girl
Right in the middle of her forehead
And when she was good
She was very very good
And when she was bad
She was horrid
I already heard my mom telling me I was horrid when she said that one.
And I am feeling horrid right now.
There was one poem that went like this:
I eat my peas with honey
I've done it all my life
It makes the peas taste funny
But it keeps them on my knife
That one made us giggle. Why wouldn't someone eat their peas with a fork? or even a spoon? Why a knife?
And then my mom had little diddies that got from gosh knows where. Here is one I despised. She only said this one to me. I was the only girl in the family, with four brothers, until I was fourteen. By the time my baby sister came along,mom had stopped her kiddie poetry. I don't think she ever said this one to my sister:
There was a little girl
Who had a little girl
Right in the middle of her forehead
And when she was good
She was very very good
And when she was bad
She was horrid
I already heard my mom telling me I was horrid when she said that one.
And I am feeling horrid right now.
Friday, December 23, 2011
male unfounded entitlement
I know a little prick -- I have never seen his member but I bet it's a dinky one -- who
Wednesday, December 21, 2011
O Christmas Tree
I have not celebrated Xmas since 2000, the last year I had my daughter in my life at Xmas. It is oft said that time heals all wounds. This has not been my experience. The wound of losing my daughter is as deep, as cutting, as ever, I have just learned to live with it. It's a bit like living with a large blade in my side; like my body has adjusted to having the blade in it and if I move very carefully, mindful to avoid letting the blade shred any new flesh, I have stopped bleeding. Take just one injudicious step, and the gash bleeds anew. God, I hate my sadness. How I hate that it won't go away.
In recent years, I have tried, not very seriously, to acnowledge Xmas. Last year, I asked a friend to go to a holiday concert with me. He agreed to go but then he never committed to a date and time, so it was worse than having never tried.
This year, I have been thinking about gifts. I have seen comments on Facebook, such as an old friend writing "just have one or two gifts left to buy". I remember, as if I were remembering a novel, buying lots of gifts, investing much thought, time and money into the selection and purchase of gifts. I never bought gifts for any but my closest ties. I once had a roommate who shopped all year for Christmas, buying all kinds of super cheap junk on closeout, like decaying 'gift' soap bars on closeout at a dollar store. Then she'd give everyone in her whole world a piece of junk at Xmas. I don't understanding 'giving' away pieces of junk that no one wants, just so be able to say "I gave everyone a gift". I love giving gifts. And I have been known to give some very generous ones. But, except for a few gift exchange deals in adolescence, where everyone in a clique gifted everyone, I have never given junk gifts. Although now I am remembering a year when, my family moving away, I gave my best girlfriends in the old neighborhood some junk: I gave each of them a gift package that came with scented powder with a puff, cheap cologne and soap: all the same scent. Junk gift packages from Walgreens. Yuck. But I was 13 and believed that was something grown up women wanted. I believed I was giving my emergent adolescent girlfriends a girly-but-grown-up gift. And, in that case, it was the thought that mattered. I was sad to be moving away from the neighborhood I had grown up in. Those gifts were for me.
I don't give Xmas gifts now. I have not given any since my daughter left me. I don't even think about it. I know women living on SSI (welfare for the elderly and disabled) who suffer for months to give lots og gifts. I long to ask them who they gift to, and why, and what. How can an old lady who likely runs out of food money sometimes think she should give trinkets at Xmas? To a gandkid, sure, but who else?
Today, on my way home from one of my endless medical appointments, I bought a Christmas tree. A gift to me. It is just a Christmas tree ornament. But it is a tiny green-wired tree, with a tiny, shiny red star and a red bell hanging down.
It is hanging on a knob on the land where I surf, where I can see it all the time.
Oh Christmas tree.
It is not starting to feel a lot like Christmas.
In recent years, I have tried, not very seriously, to acnowledge Xmas. Last year, I asked a friend to go to a holiday concert with me. He agreed to go but then he never committed to a date and time, so it was worse than having never tried.
This year, I have been thinking about gifts. I have seen comments on Facebook, such as an old friend writing "just have one or two gifts left to buy". I remember, as if I were remembering a novel, buying lots of gifts, investing much thought, time and money into the selection and purchase of gifts. I never bought gifts for any but my closest ties. I once had a roommate who shopped all year for Christmas, buying all kinds of super cheap junk on closeout, like decaying 'gift' soap bars on closeout at a dollar store. Then she'd give everyone in her whole world a piece of junk at Xmas. I don't understanding 'giving' away pieces of junk that no one wants, just so be able to say "I gave everyone a gift". I love giving gifts. And I have been known to give some very generous ones. But, except for a few gift exchange deals in adolescence, where everyone in a clique gifted everyone, I have never given junk gifts. Although now I am remembering a year when, my family moving away, I gave my best girlfriends in the old neighborhood some junk: I gave each of them a gift package that came with scented powder with a puff, cheap cologne and soap: all the same scent. Junk gift packages from Walgreens. Yuck. But I was 13 and believed that was something grown up women wanted. I believed I was giving my emergent adolescent girlfriends a girly-but-grown-up gift. And, in that case, it was the thought that mattered. I was sad to be moving away from the neighborhood I had grown up in. Those gifts were for me.
I don't give Xmas gifts now. I have not given any since my daughter left me. I don't even think about it. I know women living on SSI (welfare for the elderly and disabled) who suffer for months to give lots og gifts. I long to ask them who they gift to, and why, and what. How can an old lady who likely runs out of food money sometimes think she should give trinkets at Xmas? To a gandkid, sure, but who else?
Today, on my way home from one of my endless medical appointments, I bought a Christmas tree. A gift to me. It is just a Christmas tree ornament. But it is a tiny green-wired tree, with a tiny, shiny red star and a red bell hanging down.
It is hanging on a knob on the land where I surf, where I can see it all the time.
Oh Christmas tree.
It is not starting to feel a lot like Christmas.
Monday, December 19, 2011
a Luciferic vortex
Rudolf Steiner, an Austrian scientist and visionary, was, in a way, an early "New Age" thinker. I say this because he was a prolific thinker, writer, leader and founder of many things.
He founded anthroposophy, published 67 or more books, and founded many initiatives that thrive and grow. He created anthroposophical medicine, biodynamic farming, eurythmy, Waldorf Schools, a Christian Community, The Camphill Movement, Threefold Economics and more. He also spoke and wrote extensively about how humanity unfolded on this earth. And he talked about the human future.
He didn't have particularly good news about humanity's short-term future. He tended to talk in terms of cultural epochs, which span
He founded anthroposophy, published 67 or more books, and founded many initiatives that thrive and grow. He created anthroposophical medicine, biodynamic farming, eurythmy, Waldorf Schools, a Christian Community, The Camphill Movement, Threefold Economics and more. He also spoke and wrote extensively about how humanity unfolded on this earth. And he talked about the human future.
He didn't have particularly good news about humanity's short-term future. He tended to talk in terms of cultural epochs, which span
Sunday, December 18, 2011
Mushrooms by Sylvia Plath
“Mushrooms”
Overnight, very
Whitely, discreetly,
Very quietly
Our toes, our noses
Take hold on the loam,
Acquire the air.
Nobody sees us,
Stops us, betrays us;
The small grains make room.
Soft fists insist on
Heaving the needles,
The leafy bedding,
Even the paving.
Our hammers, our rams,
Earless and eyeless,
Perfectly voiceless,
Widen the crannies,
Shoulder through holes. We
Diet on water,
On crumbs of shadow,
Bland-mannered, asking
Little or nothing.
So many of us!
So many of us!
We are shelves, we are
Tables, we are meek,
We are edible,
Nudgers and shovers
In spite of ourselves.
Our kind multiples:
We shall by morning
Inherit the earth.
Our foot’s in the door.
Overnight, very
Whitely, discreetly,
Very quietly
Our toes, our noses
Take hold on the loam,
Acquire the air.
Nobody sees us,
Stops us, betrays us;
The small grains make room.
Soft fists insist on
Heaving the needles,
The leafy bedding,
Even the paving.
Our hammers, our rams,
Earless and eyeless,
Perfectly voiceless,
Widen the crannies,
Shoulder through holes. We
Diet on water,
On crumbs of shadow,
Bland-mannered, asking
Little or nothing.
So many of us!
So many of us!
We are shelves, we are
Tables, we are meek,
We are edible,
Nudgers and shovers
In spite of ourselves.
Our kind multiples:
We shall by morning
Inherit the earth.
Our foot’s in the door.
Saturday, December 17, 2011
Various Portents
VARIOUS PORTENTS
by Alice Oswald
Various stars. Various kings.
Various sunsets, signs, cursory insights.
Many minute attentions, many knowledgeable watchers,
Much cold, much overbearing darkness.
Various long midwinter Glooms.
Various Solitary and Terrible stars.
Many Frosty Nights, many previously Unseen Sky-flowers.
Many people setting out (some of them kings) all clutching at stars.
More than one North star, more than one South star.
Several billion elliptical galaxies, bubble nebulae, binary systems.
Various dust lanes, various routes through varying thickness of Dark,
Many tunnels into deep space, minds going back and forth.
Many visions, many digitally enhanced heavens,
All kinds of glistenings being gathered into telescopes:
Fireworks, gasworks, white-streaked works of Dusk,
Works of wonder and or water, snowflakes, stars of frost …
Various dazed astronomers dilating their eyes,
Various astronauts setting out into laughterless earthlessness,
Various 5,000-year-old moon maps,
Various blindmen feeling across the heavens in Braille.
Various gods making beautiful works in bronze,
Brooches, crowns, triangles, cups and chains,
Various crucifixes, all sorts of nightsky necklaces.
Many Wise Men remarking the irregular weather.
Many exile energies, many low-voiced followers,
Watchers of whisps of various glowing spindles,
Soothsayers, hunters in the High Country of the Zodiac,
Seafarers tossing, tied to a star…
Various people coming home (some of them kings). Various headlights.
Two or three children standing or sitting on the low wall.
Various winds, the Sea Wind, the sound-laden Winds of Evening
Blowing the stars towards them, bringing snow.
by Alice Oswald
Various stars. Various kings.
Various sunsets, signs, cursory insights.
Many minute attentions, many knowledgeable watchers,
Much cold, much overbearing darkness.
Various long midwinter Glooms.
Various Solitary and Terrible stars.
Many Frosty Nights, many previously Unseen Sky-flowers.
Many people setting out (some of them kings) all clutching at stars.
More than one North star, more than one South star.
Several billion elliptical galaxies, bubble nebulae, binary systems.
Various dust lanes, various routes through varying thickness of Dark,
Many tunnels into deep space, minds going back and forth.
Many visions, many digitally enhanced heavens,
All kinds of glistenings being gathered into telescopes:
Fireworks, gasworks, white-streaked works of Dusk,
Works of wonder and or water, snowflakes, stars of frost …
Various dazed astronomers dilating their eyes,
Various astronauts setting out into laughterless earthlessness,
Various 5,000-year-old moon maps,
Various blindmen feeling across the heavens in Braille.
Various gods making beautiful works in bronze,
Brooches, crowns, triangles, cups and chains,
Various crucifixes, all sorts of nightsky necklaces.
Many Wise Men remarking the irregular weather.
Many exile energies, many low-voiced followers,
Watchers of whisps of various glowing spindles,
Soothsayers, hunters in the High Country of the Zodiac,
Seafarers tossing, tied to a star…
Various people coming home (some of them kings). Various headlights.
Two or three children standing or sitting on the low wall.
Various winds, the Sea Wind, the sound-laden Winds of Evening
Blowing the stars towards them, bringing snow.
gosh golly
It is Saturday evening. I stayed up all night, which I do more and more. So I just couldn't get to the farmers markets. Now I have no food for the week. I'll have to go to a grocery store. I have gotten to quite dislike going to grocery stores.
Darn darn darn.
My phone rang sometime during the day. I hoped it would awaken me but the person hung up before the answering machine could even pick up. I was hoping listening to my machine and the message would awaken me. A few seconds later, I was sound asleep once more.
I slept until 3 p.m. So I'll be up again all night. And now, no food.
Next Saturday is Xmas Eve. I absolutely have to get to the market next week.
There is a market a few blocks from my home in Berkeley but I like one in Oakland, Grand Lake. Next Saturday, I'll have to get there very early. On Xmas Eve, there will be rushes on my favorite things.
Gosh golly darn. I think this might have been my last week for pink lady apples. What will I eat all week?
Darn darn darn.
My phone rang sometime during the day. I hoped it would awaken me but the person hung up before the answering machine could even pick up. I was hoping listening to my machine and the message would awaken me. A few seconds later, I was sound asleep once more.
I slept until 3 p.m. So I'll be up again all night. And now, no food.
Next Saturday is Xmas Eve. I absolutely have to get to the market next week.
There is a market a few blocks from my home in Berkeley but I like one in Oakland, Grand Lake. Next Saturday, I'll have to get there very early. On Xmas Eve, there will be rushes on my favorite things.
Gosh golly darn. I think this might have been my last week for pink lady apples. What will I eat all week?
insulate
insulate: To cause to be in a detached or isolated
position.
It is interesting to note that insulate and isolate are so similar.
isolate: to set or place apart; detach or separate so as to be alone.
I was emotionally abused two weeks ago. The vicious unkindness triggered a relapse of very old psychological vulnerabilities. I am not able to brush the abuse off. I am in trouble.
It is interesting to note that insulate and isolate are so similar.
isolate: to set or place apart; detach or separate so as to be alone.
I was emotionally abused two weeks ago. The vicious unkindness triggered a relapse of very old psychological vulnerabilities. I am not able to brush the abuse off. I am in trouble.
Friday, December 09, 2011
When it's over, it's over
The principles of Open Space:
Whoever shows up are the right people.
Whatever happens, is the only thing that could or should.
When it starts, it starts.
When it's over, it's over.
I think the principles of Open Space, which were first published by Harrison Owen, although Harrison does not quite claim to have 'discovered' Open Space -- Harrison is too generous and humble to stake such a claim. He recognized that the universe operates in a kind of harmony. The study of physics is giving more and more credence to the principles of self-organization, which are the same as the principles of open space.
If you meditate on these principles, and begin to make all your life choices, moment by moment, in the present, you might begin to see that these principles work as effectively, if not more so, than most religious belief systems. And their simplicity, like all great thinking, are powerful.
All roads lead to open space. All relationships embody the principles of open space.
When a relationship is over, it is over. Accept it. Love the lost friend or lover but let them go if it's over. When someone is repeatedly emotionally abusive to me, I tend to hang on. I get 'hooked'. I feel that I have to prove that I don't deserve to be treated like shit but, pathetically, sadly, I keep eating someones abusive shit in a crazy, codependent attempt to get them to, get them to what? Magically see me? Magically stop seeing their projected imaginations of who I am?
I am a good person. I am trustworthy. I am loving. Anyone who does not think so is not my friend.
I'm hurting. I begged the person I am talking about to simply be polite to me. Begged. And this person refused. And the whole time this person was being an asshole, I was blaming myself.
Whoever shows up are the right people.
Whatever happens, is the only thing that could or should.
When it starts, it starts.
When it's over, it's over.
I think the principles of Open Space, which were first published by Harrison Owen, although Harrison does not quite claim to have 'discovered' Open Space -- Harrison is too generous and humble to stake such a claim. He recognized that the universe operates in a kind of harmony. The study of physics is giving more and more credence to the principles of self-organization, which are the same as the principles of open space.
If you meditate on these principles, and begin to make all your life choices, moment by moment, in the present, you might begin to see that these principles work as effectively, if not more so, than most religious belief systems. And their simplicity, like all great thinking, are powerful.
All roads lead to open space. All relationships embody the principles of open space.
When a relationship is over, it is over. Accept it. Love the lost friend or lover but let them go if it's over. When someone is repeatedly emotionally abusive to me, I tend to hang on. I get 'hooked'. I feel that I have to prove that I don't deserve to be treated like shit but, pathetically, sadly, I keep eating someones abusive shit in a crazy, codependent attempt to get them to, get them to what? Magically see me? Magically stop seeing their projected imaginations of who I am?
I am a good person. I am trustworthy. I am loving. Anyone who does not think so is not my friend.
I'm hurting. I begged the person I am talking about to simply be polite to me. Begged. And this person refused. And the whole time this person was being an asshole, I was blaming myself.
Wednesday, December 07, 2011
just around the corner
The lyrics from a song popular during the Depression is singing in my being today:
just around the corner
there is a rainbow in the sky'
so let's have another cup of coffee
and let's have another piece of pie
Someone I have foolishly, blindly, cluelessly and without foundation believed to be my friend has finally treated me so shabbily, with such insulting, humiliating behavior, that even I, clueless codependent moron that I can be, see him for the predatory pig that he is.
It feels pretty good, surprisingly. I'm hurting. I've been emotionally fucked by this man. But at least I am awake to his true nature. So, there is a rainbow in my sky. Things are looking up. I feel pretty good to have my blindness come to an end. The reason this relationship has felt awful was cause this asshole was treating me like a piece of shit. . . . and I have practically been begging him to go on doing it.
I'm done, thank goddess. Out. Out. Out.
just around the corner
there is a rainbow in the sky'
so let's have another cup of coffee
and let's have another piece of pie
Someone I have foolishly, blindly, cluelessly and without foundation believed to be my friend has finally treated me so shabbily, with such insulting, humiliating behavior, that even I, clueless codependent moron that I can be, see him for the predatory pig that he is.
It feels pretty good, surprisingly. I'm hurting. I've been emotionally fucked by this man. But at least I am awake to his true nature. So, there is a rainbow in my sky. Things are looking up. I feel pretty good to have my blindness come to an end. The reason this relationship has felt awful was cause this asshole was treating me like a piece of shit. . . . and I have practically been begging him to go on doing it.
I'm done, thank goddess. Out. Out. Out.
Friday, December 02, 2011
The Muppets
I am going to see the new Muppets movie. I was feeling a big sheepish about it. Then over Thanksgiving weekend, I talked to my baby brother (age 48). He mentioned he was headed to the movies. And when I said I was going to see the Muppets, he shyly laughed and admitted that was the one he wanted to see.
I love The Muppets. They weren't around when I was little but they were around for my brudda Dave.
So that's what I am doing today. Or maybe tomorrow after the Grand Lake market.
I love The Muppets. They weren't around when I was little but they were around for my brudda Dave.
So that's what I am doing today. Or maybe tomorrow after the Grand Lake market.
