touch you all over maybe touch your flame which is me

I want to touch every part of your body with every part of mine. Lips over everything, yes, of course. But also knee over everything, elbow, forearm. I want to touch everything there is to physically touch of you with everything physical in me. I want to be ignited by your flame, which is my flame, which is me.

I understand sex for the first time. I know desire for the first time. Before, I had sex and I enjoyed it. And I knew some physical desire, although not much.

But then, in june 2006, I experienced desire. I want you inside me. Suddenly I knew what it would have felt like to have carried a baby co-created by someone I loved. Oh my gosh, it would have been almost unbearably wonderful to have had your flame inside me for nine months. Oh my gosh. In the first moments when I knew desire, I also knew much grief because I can't have any more babies, I can't have you inside me for nine months.

I have had to settle for loving you. No touching. I don't even get to see your face much. sometimes I love you so much, I am so aware of the flame of you, that it seems almost unnecessary to be physically near you.

I came, just about a year ago, to accept that I am about as married as a person can be. I decided I was going to have to love you as you shared our life with Karen. My man sleeping with a woman named Karen. I thought it was unbearable but, as I am forced to learn and relearn, nothing is unbearable. I think I learned more about unconditional love last January than in the rest of my life altogether.

We saw one another last January. We went to the Kiefer show. You picked me up at Palo Alto Caltrain. Karen called and you said you had to pick it up, you said 'it's my honey". I had mixed reactions. Mostly, I cringed because she was not your honey, even I knew that. I cringed for you because it seemed to me that you were trying to force it to be so but when you said 'it's my honey', gosh, I felt clearly that she was not and I felt a little bad for you that you were faking it like that, I thought you were faking it for your own benefit, not mine. But also I cringed because your honey had my man.