I am persuaded that there is such a thing as reincarnation. I kinda hope I am wrong. I hope this life is it. I don't want another one. But if there is reincarnation, or some kind of accounting system, or if this is not an unconditionally loving universe, it probably lowers my score to off myself. I am resolved. I am going to gut out this lifetime without any more attempts. But if I can hate myself dead, I think I might.
I have one child. She's 28 now. She hasn't talked to me since 2000. We did not fight. She was an adolescent. She wanted me to spend money on her that I would not always spend, but I spent a lot of money on her that I should not have. She used to complain that I never took her to Europe. Would she still love me if I had? Or if I had taken her on a beach vacation in bleak midwinter? Cause that's about all I held back from her. I didn't beat her. I wasn't abusive. I made a couple mistakes. I slapped her a couple times. Would two slaps cost other people their kid? I don't think it was the slaps and they were just slaps. Wrong, flawed, imperfect acts but not brutality. Just wrong. That wasn't it. She left me for darker reasons.
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