getting into gratitude for 2010

Right now, the main thing I am grateful for about 2010 is that it is over.

I started out the year estranged from someone I sincerely thought was an important friend. As recently as Nov 24th, he told me I was one of the most important people in his life.  He sold me.  He sounded way sincere, his voice emotion-laden, his voice catches with his posed earnestness. A tear in each eye more than once. A great show.

Then on December 22, he told me that he was downgrading me from friend to acquaintance.

He told me other lies on Nov 24th which was, get this, supposed to be our first conflict resolution meeting.  I thought the focus was on resolution, on positivity, on the fact that we cared enough about one another to work on the friendship. But he was faking.

I don't understand why people lie to one another when I don't see a gain for the liar.  There was gain for him to tell me the truth.  If he didn't want to be my friend, all he had to do was say so. Which he finally did, three days before Christmas.

That sucked.

Lots of good things happened in 2010.  The quality of light in Berkeley is very beautiful.  I look out my window every day, upon awakening. Each day, every day, I fall in love with the light.  I love the colors in the sky.  I love the way the light changes the colors on the tan stucco walls of my building and how the light changes the lightly tinted windows.  I love how the shadows change all day. There is a rounded tower cross the courtyard that is outside my bedroom window. When I open my eyes each day, I see that tower, note the angle of the shadows thrown down from the sun and I tell the time.  It is a sundial. Often, I think of olden time sundials, like you might find in the downtown plaza of an old community.  I think these sundials were in Middle Eastern, desert countries, with men and women milling around the down center, some produce vendors, horses, carts, music, clanging. Men and women in robes.  I don't know any real details about real sun dials. Is that something I saw in movies or read about and were they in Africa?  I guess I think Middle East because I think the Egyptian culture got very evolved very early, comparatively speaking. But then, so did Rome. Sundials in Rome?

Whatever. Sundials in Berkeley.

After I guess the time, I stir, check the clock to evaluate my guess.

I look at the light outside my window at other times of day.  I have lived here almost two years now and I am in love with the light.  My view has the other sides of my building in the foreground, with sky above and beyond, and patches of the Berkeley hills.  I try to remember to note the green of the hills. Sometimes I imagine I take something in when I appreciate that green, cause I'm not just appreciate green trees, I am imagining bugs, birds, dirt, squirrels, rustling, cats, dogs, ants, breeze, wind, flowers, leaves of flowers, leaves of trees rustling more, sometimes a snake, cars, shade, swings. These things are over there in the hills.  I like to take them in.

I have not fallen in love with a pool in Berkeley like I did in Mountain View.  There are buildings alongside my new pool. These building cast shadows.  The shadow infringe on the sense of endless sky I got in the pool in Mountain View. The MV pool was in a park, no buildings, except a one story locker room set back from the pool. In the water, all you saw was sky, ground, grass, trees. In that pool, I often felt like I was in a bowl of jello, rocked in the moving planet, rocked in space.  I often felt myself, a tiny dot in that jiggling, rocking, gentle hold.  Once in a while, not too many times, it seemed like my heart beat in rhythm with that rocking, and I felt myself a part of the earth moving. I felt held.  I haven't had that yet in Berkeley.

I can see the Golden Gate from outside my front door.  I try to see the sunset once in awhile. It is such a privileged view.

Sometimes, riding BART over to the city -- here in the bay area, 'the city' is San Francisco, even though I have to travel through the city of Oakland to get to 'the city', even though San Jose is a very big ciy, the only city here is 'the city' -- Sometimes on BART, when I see the bay, the golden gate, the sun dappling the surface of the bay and I want to gesture to fellow passengers, remark on the beauty. Then I remember I am a geek and everyone else takes these things for granted.  Or else I am the only geek that is dazzled by seeing Mt. Tamalpais or Alacatraz. What's the big deal, they are always there! But that's just it, they are always there.  It makes me happy to notice.

Lately, I don't seem to notice people.  I have been hurt all year, trying to pretend I wasn't. But I am not pretending now.  Right now, I am so hurt I can't leave my apartment. When I do go out, I feel assaulted by the presence of people.  I know I am sick right now because I don't want to be near people because it hurts.

I am very unhappy. 2010 wasn't good.  I love the light out my window. That's all I've got. Get into gratitude for that, I guess.