shoots & ladder, portals in the closet, through the lookingglass

I am straddling a wrinkle in time. Maybe it's a wrinkle of energy instead of time but time is probably energy. A crinkle in perception?

I have been thinking, a lot, and especially lately, about myth, fairy tale, science fiction, spirituality, physics, science and love. Love captures all the things I just listed and more, I guess.  What I keep reflecting on is how I dissociate from the powers we see in myths and fairy tales.  I tend to tell myself that the characters in fairy tales see some of their life problems solved by magic but, in 'reality' (whatever the fuck that is) I think magic is real and always present. And what about the iChing?  I have not studied it but once, in a weekend qigong class, the qigong master talked about the iChing.  My friend Peggy gave me a new translation of the iChing as a birthday gift a few years ago.  So, emphasizing that I know nothing about it, I think the iChing tells us that everything we 'see' is a symbol, a communication form the universe, goddess, love, guiding us to make the right choices in each moment. The more we lived integrated, grounded lives, the better able we discern this guidance and act within it.  If we see a hummingbird, it is just a clearly a message to us as a telegram contains a message. But life is so tricky. Even when you spot the message, it is easy to get it wrong. And then there is the imperfect implementation that comes with the territory of being human.

How the frak do you know what is right? And all the time?

I see why millions prefer to imbue religion or politicians or kings with the power to know on our behalf.  Self responsibility can take its toll. It is tempting to surrender, to find a church you can stand and just follow that church's rules. Or, in some cultures, you land into a religion and you have no choice.

How to know anything?

Something happened to me. I fell down a rabbit hole, stepped through a lookingglass.  I am not seeing the world or my experience being human in the lifetime of Tree Fitzpatrick the same as I did before. Everything is different.  I feel ummoored.  I feel like I was in a space ship and I put on a suit to go outside the ship and explore but when I got outside, I became disconnected from my ship and it was not possible to reattached.

I have come undone.  I am in a lot of pain. And I know where the portal is to return to right.  I have been denied entry.

WTF?