Aunt Bea from Mayberry

Several years ago, a new friend wrote me an email and said I reminded him of Aunt Bea.  He said he was imagining that I liked to wear dresses, which I do, and he already knew that I liked to nurture others.

I was insulted being compared to Aunt Bea. I am fat, like her, but she is old and sexless.  I was insulted being identified with a sexless, selfless woman who gave to others and had no life of her own.

Plus I was hot for the guy who said it to me and him comparing me to Aunt Bea gave me a karmic indicator that I did not want to hear.  I wanted him to want me. He wanted, I guess, homemade pie.

I have been in a dizzy tizzie about the aforementioned male for about four years.  I've been out of my mind.  He was living with someone when I met him. That was okay with me. She got him first, fair is fair.  It was fun, to let my feelings soar and roar without having to actually risk getting involved or having sex.  I had a great time, mooning about him.  And I got to see him once in a great while, and then I would feed off of that glory, day in and out.  It was actually a good time.

Then his woman kicked him out. He likes to pick women who own houses, living in the San Francisco Bay Area as we do.  He likes women with some wealth.  He likes skinny women. Pretty women. I don't know what I had been thinking. I have no money, I am fat, I am not a looker. What was I thinking?

I wasn't. I was out of my mind.

Then when he left her, a few weeks later, he called me up and he said "let's take this friendship as far as it can go" and he said "let's do work together like our friends Ken and Barbie do'.  Ken, his business partner, and Barbie had recent fallen in love and I knew exactly what kind of 'work' they were doing. They were doing the work of relationship.  Yes, they were having sex the the work stuff was relationship work.  Ken had said "We are both doing lots of work, lots of old stuff is coming up, lots of healing and it's great, it's all great. But it work. Hard work, you now?"

So I did know.

But then when we started to draw close, he got scared and jackrabbited away. He broke off with me by email. And when I left him some timid, polite voice messages asking him to call me, to just give me a few minutes because I had cracked myself open, stumbled into a deep wound, and I wanted a chance to pull myself back from the brink. And he said that I had debased myself when I had asked him to call me more than once.  I didn't beg. I spoke calmly and politely and said "Please call me.  I only need a few minutes.  I am trying to speak pleasantly and this is how I will talk if you call" And he wrote back and said I had debased myself when I had asked to get my needs met.

He had been a coward. He got scared. And me, complete moron that I seem determined to be in perpetuity, I actualy had empathy for him.  I keened as I imagined him suffering because I had feelings and needs.  I am such a selfish cunt, eh?  I wanted to get my needs met.

And then, two years later, when I was being an idiot yet again and talking to him, I said there were lots of stories that I had withheld over the course of our friendship. And I was talking about the big story that had come up, the one that frightened him into breaking up with me by email.  You know how it is. People decide to get close and they meet their shadow. He had fled like a wounded jackrabbit.  But then, when I said "there are stories I wasn't able to tell you" and the supercilious slime said, superciliously, "You should have taken self responsibility for getting your needs met" and I said "what was I supposed to do, stalk you in San Francisco, shout out my story as I followed you down the block?" I reminded him that he had refused to talk to me, that he had ignored voice and email requests that he call. And he said "I will listen now"

And, moron that I am (only when it comes to males), I trusted him.  I thought it over and realized I still really wanted to tell him a story. So I called and asked him to make an appointment so I could tell him. He did not return my call. He ignored my email requests. I kept calling and eventually I reached him and first he said he had just gotten up and then when I said "can we schedule a good time to talk' he said he didn't have time to schedule.

I am very hurt and very sad.  I let him sucker punch me again. He set me up.

My best friend P told me he would. I asked her 'why would someone treat someone like that?  Why would they set someone up?' and she said she didn't know but that it was clear to her that he was never going to give me what I wanted and he got some kind of satisfaction out of seeing me dance like a circus pony.  She didn't say circus pony. That was me. But you catch my drift.