I've been gaslighted three times: by my long ago ex-husband, by my
daughter with that long ago ex/narcissist and, somewhat recently, by a
narcissistic sociopath. Me. I am the common denominator. Why do I
attract, and am attracted to, people who gaslight me? It's all about me
but tempting to look outward, eh?
This article,
and I don't present the whole article is from here:
http://narcissisticbehavior.net/the-effects-of-gaslighting-in-narcissistic-victim-syndrome/
Gaslighing techniques (3 Stages):
The Idealization Stage:
During the initial “idealization stage”,
the narcissist puts on their “best face” in order to mould their victim
into a symbiotic relationship with them as their narcissistic supply.
In the beginning of the relationship the narcissist showers the victim
with attention, they are loving, charming, flirtatious, energetic,
exciting, and great fun to be with. They appear to be so happy and
interested in the relationship, and the unsuspecting victim enjoys every
moment with their new charismatic partner. They love how the narcissist
is so beautifully intense and how they get drunk on life, and they too
want to drink this elixir with them. Intense bonding begins for the
victim, and innocently, they also believe that the partner feels the
same way about them, that the relationship is reciprocal, but this is
the narcissist’s biggest deception. Caught up in this alluring state of
euphoria, the victim becomes “hooked” by the gaslighter’s exuberance and
grandiose exaggerations. In this kind of relationship, victims are
known to experience biochemical changes in the body and structural
changes in the brain. These exciting hooks create a release of chemicals
(endorphins) in the brain, and it is these endorphins (or pleasure
substances) that make the victim feel the euphoria in the first phase of
the relationship. Like any addict, they become addicted to that high,
and very soon they find themselves hooked emotionally to their
narcissistic suitor too. However, this honeymoon phase is only an
illusion, all smoke and mirrors. Having expertly determined the victim’s
strengths and weaknesses, the “Idealization Phase” is over, and it is
time for the devaluation stage of the gaslighting to begin. From here on
in, the narcissist seems to turn cold, unfeeling, and even bitingly
cruel.
The Devaluation Stage:
The relationship has now shifted into
the “devaluation phase”, and it is as if a lethal freak fog has
descended over the relationship. Almost overnight the narcissist becomes
decisively cold and uncaring. The victim’s falls from grace is a hard
one, they cannot seem to do anything right anymore; the narcissists
loving words turn to criticism, everything the victim tries ends in a
negative effect, and they find themselves devalued at every turn.
Totally confused, the victim has no idea what is happening, and they
become increasingly stressed, unhappy and depressed with the situation.
The roller-coaster relationship leaves the victim in a state of constant
chaos, as if always “walking on eggshells”. All their energy is
directed at defending themselves, so the narcissist is not getting the
positive attention that they crave; this is likely to be the time when
the narcissist starts to look for a fresh provider of narcissistic
supply.
The narcissist gaslighting is now at its peak, and there is no reasoning
with them. Confused by the narcissist’s bizarre behaviour, the victim
works harder and harder to please their abuser in the hopes of getting
the relationship back to where it was in the start, when it felt safe.
Deprived of their “narcissistic drug”, the victim is suddenly thrown
into strong withdrawal symptoms. They are distraught with anxiety,
turned inside out with confusion, and bereft of what they though they
had, a soul-mate. In order to cope with the pain of this deep wound of
abandonment and rejection, they escape into a range of unconscious
defense mechanisms (a mix of denial, rationalization, infantile
regressive patterns, cognative dissonance, trauma bonding etc.). Alone
and isolated from the real world, these behaviours becomes their only
way of surviving the narcissistic abuse, and the gaslighting they are
now experiencing. No matter what they do, they only seem to create
narcissistic injury to this stranger, and each time they do that, they
inadvertently release an almighty rage down upon themselves (without
even knowing how they are doing it). By merely engaging in these
survival tactics, the victim becomes the hostage that is overly
dependent on their captive (Stockholm Syndrome), where unpredictability
and uncertainty is the order of their day. As a result, they are now
caught in the macabre dance with the narcissist’s pathological grandiose
self, where hell reigns supreme, and they regress into infantile
regressive patterns of behaviour (Regressed Infantilism). At this stage
they are most likely suffering the effects of Narcissistic Victim
Syndrome (NVS), where they are reduced to a shadow of their former self.
Finally they are at the mercy of the whims and pleasures of their
“puppet master”.
The narcissist despises who their supply
person has become; they view them as powerless, inferior and worthless
victims, but at the same time, their worthless prey is providing them
with a bountiful amount of narcissistic supply. Therein lays the
paradox; the more the victim shows their distress, the more they become
narcissistic supply for the abuser, and the more important and powerful
the abuser gets to feel. The more important and powerful the abuser
feels, the more blatant their verbal and physical violent becomes. This
“pull-push” scenario leaves the narcissist acting in a way that says, “I
hate you, but don’t you dare leave me or I will kill you”. They will
react to any perceived movement away from them as a threat to their
narcissistic supply, therefore any show of self-determination by the
victim will surly be devalued. The narcissist is merciless in the way
they devalue the victim. Devaluation of the victim can be delivered
through many different forms and levels of attack; through victims own
attachment needs, their intellectual capabilities, physical body,
sexuality, creativity etc. By this time, like Pavlov’s dogs, the victim
has been conditioned, and appears to the outside world that they are
willing partners in the narcissists “convoluted dance”. Even if they do
manage to escape from that narcissistic individual, they are at high
risk of future re-victimization and entrapment with other narcissists,
because they are primed in a way that other narcissists can spot.
The Discarding Phase:
In this phase, the game comes to its
final conclusion. What started out as the idealization of a victim by
the narcissist, is doomed to end with the idealization of the narcissist
by the victim’s over dependence. Once this happens, the narcissist
ardor for the game has dampened, in their eyes they have already won the
contest, and the fun is over. By this time, the narcissist is totally
indifferent to any needs or wishes that the victim may have, in effect
they no longer exist in their mind. Not so for the victim, they are left
confused and raw with emotion, and are eager to find solutions in order
to “fix” the dying relationship. However, the narcissist resists all
attempts to rescue the relationship, they will bully with silence, or if
there is any kind of response, it will be brutally cold. In effect, the
victim has become “worthlessly inferior” to them; they know they have
drained the victim dry, that they have now outlived their usefulness,
and now it is time for the narcissist to move on to the next source of
supply. Any undertaking to win them back by the victim will only feed
the narcissists ego, and further provide them with a transient source of
narcissistic supply.
The plight of the victims of the Gaslighting Effect:
During the process of gaslighting, the
victim will find themselves going through emotional and psychological
states of mind. In her wonderful book, The Gaslighting Effect, Robin
Stern, Ph.D. speaks of three stages the victim will go through:
Disbelief, Defense, and Depression, she also goes on to flags down
warning signs for recognizing when one is being gaslighted. I would like
to expand a little on her analysis.
Disbelief:
Gaslighting is an extreme form of
emotional abuse used by the narcissistic gaslighter to manipulate the
innocent victim (gaslightee). The effects of gaslighting are so
insidious, that they can lead to the victim losing all trust in their
own judgment and reality. The victim’s initial reaction to the
gaslighting behaviour is one of utter disbelief; they cannot believe the
sudden change towards them, or indeed the fact that they are being
gaslighted in the first place. All they know is that something terribly
odd seems to be happening in the relationship, but they cannot figure
out what it is that is happening. Of course, this is precisely what the
abuser wants, after all, it would not work if the victim knew what was
happening. The methods used by the narcissist in the initial
idealization stage of the relationship progresses in such a way that it
virtually guarantees that the victim will become hooked utterly and
completely to their narcissistic abuser. Blinded by their love after
been totally seduced, the victim naturally, trusts genuinely that their
love is reciprocated, but of course, this is untrue, a total
fabrication. Where once the abuser’s communication with the victim had
been accessible and stayed within the relationship, it has now become
blocking and diverting. All they know is that where the narcissist had
once held them in “good heart”, they have now become highly critical of
them. The sympathy and support that had been available has now turned to
distain and antagonism. Whenever the victim (gaslightee) wants to
reasonably discuss what is happening in the relationship, they are meet
with silence, or worse, they find that everything that is being said is
twisted or trivialized.
It is important to realize that the
gaslighting does not need to be severe in order to have severe
consequences on the victim; it can be as subtle as being told that “you
are so sensitive”, or that they should not do something because “you are
not able to do it, leave it to me”. Even though the victim can
rationalize that these statements are untrue, gradually their confidence
is being eroded away to such an extent that they cannot trust
themselves. Gaslighting strokes, such as moving items from place to
place, and then the abuser denying that they had moved the item really
creates huge confussion to the victim. Or saying something, then later
denying that they had said such a thing. All of this psychological
warfare has the effect of making the victim doubt their own memory or
perception of events. Desperate for the gaslighter’s approval and
reassurance that they are not going mad, the victim becomes very
dependent on their narcissistic abuser for a sense of reality.
Defense:
At this stage the victim still has
enough of their self to fight and defend themselves against the
gaslighting manipulation. However, the narcissist’s “gaslighting” is
beginning to do what it is intended to do, that is, to throw the victim
off balance by creating self-doubt, angst, turmoil, and guilt. This
emotional damage causes the victim, over time, to lose their sense of
reality, and sense of self. Becoming lost, confused, and unable to trust
their own instincts and memory, they tend to isolate themselves
somewhat because of the shame they feel. Before long their psychic
energy becomes depleted, and they are left unable to defend themselves
from the horrendous gaslighting effect. At this stage the person’s whole
system may feel that it is in danger of annihilation.
From birth, nature builds in unconscious
defense mechanisms and adaptive behaviours in order to protect the
child from annihilation from early trauma, and these same defenses
remain throughout life when ever we are vulnerable to highly stressful
experiences that threaten us with annihilation. When the child starts
life, they experience the world as a frightening place, so in order to
reduce their fear they need to form an emotional bond with somebody in
order to reduce their stress and anxiety. They identify and bond with
their main caregiver (usually the Mother), and of course, they are very
likely, at some time in the future, to experience her as their first
aggressor. Mother can be experienced by the child as being both
“threatening and kind”, and this seems to lead to the child turning to
emotional bonding for survival. This psychological condition is known
to-day as “Stockholm Syndrome”. It is found to happen universally in
situations where people find themselves to be held captive and in fear
of their lives; as in kidnapping, hostage situations, and narcissistic
abuse. This phenomenon of trauma bonding with the narcissist aggressor
can be found in Narcissistic Victim Syndrome. In
Stockholm Syndrome,
the victim adapts to the traumatic situation by unconsciously going
into an regressive mode, where they return to childish infantile
patterns of behaviour (Regressed Infantilism), and bond with their
captor as they did with their mother earlier in life as a defense
against annihilation. In order to cope with the discomfort of living
within such madness, the victims motivational drive provides a way that
they can rationalize to reduce the dissonance they are experiencing (
Cognitive Dissonance).
For the therapist to understand the dynamics of all these defense
mechanisms, they will then be able to appreciate why victims stay in
these narcissistic abusive relationships, as it is a clever, but
complicated unconscious self survival strategy.
Depression:
By this stage the victim can hardly
recognize themselves, they are quickly becoming a shadow of their former
self. Living under tyranny within a war zone where they are controlled,
physically and emotionally battered, unable to make decisions,
subjected to constant rages, sucked dry, stripped of dignity and safety,
they exist in a joyless life. They begin to feel that they can’t do
anything right any more, they don’t feel that they can trust their own
mind, and they withdraw with a skewed reality of what is really taking
place. They escape into depression. Many victims will also go on to
experience Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD). The diagnosis of PDSD
can be made based on certain symptoms being present, and these symptoms
fall into three categories:
1. Reliving: (Flashbacks, intrusive imagery, nightmares, anxiety etc)
2. Avoidance: (Avoiding people, places or thoughts, emotional numbing, lack of interest, hopelessness etc).
3. Arousal: (Difficulty concentrating, irritability, outbursts of anger, insomnia, hyper-vigilance etc).
In my work with Narcissistic Victim
Syndrome I have noticed that the victims were brought to the place of
annihilation and death on many levels of the self while experiencing
gaslighting behaviour in their narcissistic relationships. When we take
on the journey of recovery together, I take care and time to educate the
individual as to what was happening to them as their story unfolds. I
am always meet with an array of responses, from shock, disbelief,
profound sadness, guilt, shame, anger, fear, reflection, loneliness and
an array of physical symptoms (panic attacks, flashbacks, anxious
negative thoughts, fatigue, eating disorders, dissociation, abreaction
etc.), but they also express relief at finally knowing what had been
going on in the relationship, and the amount of “losses” they were
dealing with. I think many of the stages are very similar to Elisabeth
Kübler-Ross stages of grief, which are Denial, Anger, Bargaining,
Depression, and Acceptance. But still, I find that the individual holds
the key to even more strategies for guarding the various levels of
defense that I have mentioned here. I am always amazed at how
surprisingly resilient these victims are. All our strategies for
surviving are incredibly intelligent, and together (the client and I)
welcome each and every one as a teacher for our learning and
understanding. When this happens, it allows for all the fragmented parts
of the soul to return home where they become like special guests at a
glorious Banquet, one unifying whole sitting at the Table of Recovery.
When a therapist experiences this work they will truly appreciate and
understand the deep suffering these victims have gone through daily. The
fact that these clients have survived the torturous effects of the
disorganized narcissistic personality disorder is in itself a miracle,
and a testament to the human spirit.
Robin Stern names some of the warning signs of the effects of Gaslighting, I am merely expanding on some of these below:
What are the warning signs of Gaslighting?
• Second-guessing:
Because a victim has had their confidence eroded by the constant
gaslighting, they live in fear of doing the wrong thing, and making
their situation even more dangerous for themselves. They invariably find
themselves asking “what if”, and always trying to second guess
themselves. This often effects how they problem-solve, and make
decisions in their life.
• Asking “Am I too sensitive?”:
Projection and blame are the hallmarks of gaslighting, and the victim
become hyper-sensitive to the constant humiliation of their abuser. They
hear countless times that they are “too sensitive”, that they soon
begin to believe the lies. As a result they look for approval before
doing anything, fearful that they will make more mistakes that will end
in more humiliation. This form of gaslighting makes the victim doubt
everything about themselves, so they constantly ask, “Am I being too
sensitive”.
• Apologizing: Living
with the narcissistic Dr. Jekyll and Mr/s Hyde, the victim finds
themselves always apologizing for “never doing things right”, they even
apologize for their very existence; it is a way of avoiding more
conflict with their aggressor. Apology is not just something the victim
does to be polite; it is a powerful strategy for staying safe while in
the war zone, and a means to disarm the anger of the gaslighter. Most
importantly, the power of apology is that it can take the shame off the
narcissist and redirect it towards the victim, therefore avoiding some
of the narcissists rage.
• Lack joy and happiness in life (melancholy):
If one lives under the constant tyranny of the gaslighting narcissist,
they can expect extremes of lethal hostility. Many victims go through
physical and mental torture that can cause them to suffer a personality
change, leaving them feeling confused, lonely, frightened and unhappy.
Often they continue to carry this melancholy even after they escape from
the abuser.
• Withholding information from others:
Victims experience great shame about their situation; they get tired of
trying to cover up their abuse as they go along. When well meaning
friends and family members tell them they are being abused, they avoid
the subject, and soon they learn to withhold giving more information in
order to avoid further conflict. The importance of shame in narcissistic
abuse is a difficult issue, but I don’t think it is too difficult to
accept that the crimes of the gaslighting narcissist stigmatize the
victim to their very core. Their shame is a normal response to the
social failure they so often feel as a result of their abuse (i.e. the
shame of being unable to protect themselves from their abuse). This
shame can be seen as defensiveness and withdrawal by others. The
relationship between shame and social supports is too complex to deal
with here.
• Knowing something is terribly wrong, but can’t figure out what:
The goal of gaslighting is to control and influence the reality of the
gaslightee. It only works when the victim is unaware of what is really
happening. The more the victim doubts their own reality or competence,
the more dependent they become of the abuser. It is a vicious circle of
events that is totally confusing to the victim, and that is exactly what
the gaslighter wants.
• Trouble making simple decisions:
To be caught in the narcissistic web of deception and illusion is the
equivalent to being a fly trapped in the spider’s web. When entering the
web, does the victim know that it is about to be bound up and eaten
alive any more than the fly? The answer is “no”. However, the
narcissistic web is akin to the disintegration of the self; the victim,
under the threat of continual danger, forms a psychic bond with the
abuser in order to avoid fragmentation of the self. In forming that bond
they are compelled to organize themselves around their idealized
abuser’s desires, and surrender their authentic potential: Having to ask
permission to do anything, not being aloud to have their own opinion,
never allowed to win the argument, constantly being chastised and
humiliated, compromising their own thoughts, values, needs, and belief.
Understandably, caught in this web they lose all autonomy, even their
ability to make decisions for their own self.
• You have the sense that you used to be a very different person – more confident, more fun-loving, and more relaxed:
In order to survive, the victim enters into what is termed the “the
narcissists dance”. This is an unconscious defense mechanism which helps
to keep the victim safe, but in so doing they almost lose themselves by
placating, complying, and appeasing. This becomes part of their way of
being, a great “pleaser” with everybody. Unless this unconscious dance
is exposed in therapy, and the victim educated about narcissistic
behavior, they are actually left vulnerable to becoming Narcissistic
Supply yet again. The reason is that they are conditioned (like Pavlov’s
dogs) in a way that makes them a target for other hungry narcissists,
who are always on the hunt for new supply, and are quick to spot those
primed already.
• You feel hopeless and joyless:
What had once seemed like heaven has now turned into a hell. There is
no peace or joy in this place, just fear and suppression. Life loses all
hope, as if the light has been turned off. All that remains is the deep
black cloud of depression. And the victim is forced to live in a state
of acquiescence in order to survive. Their perceptions of reality are
continually undermined by the gaslighting sham, so they end up losing
confidence in their intuition, memory, or reasoning powers. They are
spun lies, lies that tell them that they are over-sensitive, imagining,
unreasonable, irrational, over-reacting, and that they have no right to
be upset. Hearing this time and time again, their reality is turned
inside out, and they begin to believe that this may all be true.
The narcissist’s form of psychological
abuse has managed to instill in their victim an extreme sense of anxiety
and confusion to the point where they no longer trust their own memory,
perception or judgment. In this state they are truly a hostage.
However, many manage to get the courage to break free, but this is
usually after several painful attempts. But when they do finally escape,
in time they may find their way to your therapy room. Your job is to
not just do the recovery work with them, but also to educate them about
the traits and effects of narcissistic abuse. That way you give them
back their reality and power, and they will be in a position to be able
to recognize the narcissist at work, and be equipt to guard themselves
against further re-victimization. Don’t underestimate the power of
recovery of these people; the fact that they have survived such extreme
abuse is testament to their strength and determination. I never fail to
be amazed at the resilience of the human spirit.
Filed under: The Effects of Gaslighting in Narcissistic Victim Syndrome
